Sleepless nights

During the three weeks we spent in Chicago, our sabbatical was restful. We focused on enjoying community life and learning how it works. Now that we are staying with my parents, it seems that the weight of our responsibility for the church is upon me again. I feel like now is the time for us to work on dreaming and planning.

Last night I was agitated and stressed. Elaine didn’t seem ready to do this work and I was feeling the stress of it. I mused and fumed, dared to dream and abandoned all hope in turn. I remembered, before we left, how I recognized that it would take faith to leave the church in God’s hands. Last night I was worrying again that there might not be a church to come back to. I remembered prayer times at The Nidge. There was a sandy pot where one could leave a candle burning. I wished I had that available to me – to leave my need and prayer before God in a tangible way and put my care back in God’s hands. It was about two in the morning when I found a solution. I turned the light on in the bathroom and left that light burning as a prayer before God. Understand I know my prayer is always before God, but tonight I needed a way to walk away, leaving it there before God.

Even after the stress left me, I still couldn’t sleep. Other projects came to mind. I began redesigning a spinner ring, planning the custom pieces I would need machined. I pondered how to create an automatic bell to chime for times of prayer that would also be kinetic art. Wherever I turned, my brain wouldn’t let me sleep.

Nothing but laziness

I had a dream last night that we were moving (that in itself is a recurring nightmare), and there was so much left to load and pack and the bus and trailer was already full. I wasn't really participating in the action of my dream anymore, I was overwhelmed, unmotivated and lethargic. That is just how I feel today. I noted last night my lack of drive to do my homework. I seem to be acting more like I did my first years in college or in high school when I didn't care if I did any homework. Alas could I really revert to that?

I feel like I am falling behind and hope is lost for a good performance. Perhaps I need a break.

I'll be bald by the time I get my Masters

Elaine was noticing today that my bald spot is much advanced. I think my forehead is growing too. It's not surprising. My body doesn't handle stress well. That's what the doctors have told me every time I go to figure out why I'm fatigued all the time. It's like I'm constitutionally lazy. I want to sleep... a lot. I was telling Fred how much stress I've had, and he asked if I take naps. I laughed. He thought I was laughing at the idea of taking time for a nap, but Elaine told him it was because I take one almost every day.

The ironic thing is that if I'm not under stress, I feel worse. I lay around all day and feel tired with out any reason to it. Then I get nervous. I have that constant nagging feeling I'm forgetting to do something.

At least with my schooling I know I'm getting something done, but lately the nagging feeling is worse. I'm glad Elaine is preaching this week!

She put a poll on our new a/g ministers network asking when we take our days off. So far two have voted for Friday, but she says my vote doesn't count since I'm stuck at home with the kids. "Well, I'm not doing work," I say.
"But you're more frustrated at the end of the day than before," she reminds me.

True but what am I to do? I don't have another day. Besides, the kind of things I'd really like to do, she wouldn't much want to be with me. I'd love to spend the day with Steve and Roderick in Saginaw or go off to a monastery for a retreat. I'd feel mean leaving Elaine stuck at home with the kids.

Oh, well, Elaine says I'll be cute bald.