The Church and all its Blemishes

We've been talking about this over on the Spring Arbor Spiritual Formation blog.

Renovation of the Church: What Happens When a Seeker Church Discovers Spiritual Formation by Kent Carlson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I read Renovation Of The Church against the backdrop of resigning as pastor of my church. Kent Carlson and Mike Lueken brought me to much introspection and healing, in the face of that transition, with their theology of church. I identified with their struggles and could feel the pain of their transition. A few times their words stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes as they spoke straight to the wounds in my heart.

After eight years at our church it was becoming clear that our vision of a church that embraces life in the kingdom wasn’t being embraced. We faced the heartbreak of a congregation that would rather cease to be than come to new life. I struggled with my fruitfulness at this church. If Jesus said that Father is glorified in my bearing much fruit (John 15:8), I want to bear fruit! Renovation challenged me again in my struggle, was my expectation of what fruit looked like too tied to measures and metrics? Was it pride that made me want to leave when I felt rejected?

In the midst of the pain inflicted by the backlash to what turned out to be our final push to vibrancy, I held dark thoughts about the dear saints in our pews. It was a healing corrective to hear that the church was to be a messy place, that we aren’t called to make a sect of the in-crowd. They reminded me of my opportunity to bless those who curse you.

As I mentioned earlier to Rob, this reminded me of Ronald Rolheiser’s comments on Sarx in The Holy Longing. The flesh (sarx) that Jesus tells us we must eat to be his is the messy troublesome flesh of his body, the church. We must participate in the imperfect masterpiece, or as Switchfoot pens it, “the beautiful letdown” that is the church. Mike writes, “Our hearts grow bigger for God by worshiping next to they guy who hates to sing, doesn’t know the words and things the tune is lame. We are spiritually better off being in a community with both the committed and marginal” (107). Over the years I have found it difficult to worship where I don’t trust that guy next to me to be longing for intimacy with Jesus.

Last night I went to the Christmas Vigil service at an Episcopal church a few blocks from our new home. I sat behind a couple of young ladies who were clearly there because one of them belonged to the family filling that pew. Their sidelong glances betrayed their mild disdain for what was happening in the service. I remembered Mike’s words and I silently blessed them from behind. In the midst of those who might have been there only to satisfy relatives or admire music and the memorial poinsettias, we did together hear and respond to the Gospel!

I write this on the first Sunday that I haven’t been the pastor of a small church in eight years. I am still mourning the loss as well as enjoying the freedom. I greatly appreciated Kent and Mike in their honesty and transparency. In their story I know I am not alone in my pain or my joys. I rejoice to see Oak Hills as an example that what we’ve been wanting and talking about for so many years is possible. It is a great joy for those of us dreaming of spiritual formation in the church. I also can’t help but appreciate a couple of guys who have so fully imbibed Dallas Willard’s thoughts, they can’t help but spill out on the page. That makes them feel like old friends to me.

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Study cave proving successful

Called convention and District Council took me away from my studies and consumed my attention. Needless to say, coming back I felt the stress of the final paper in my masters studies hanging over me. Sunday night my family graciously helped me transform my basement church office into a study cave - cleaning it, assembling a new desk chair, arranging a number of candles and stocking the fridge with a case of redbull.

This has done me good. I have been making strides in the last couple days. I have nearly completed my literature review and have a good start on my challenge section. At this pace I am pretty comfortable, unfortunately graduation feels like just another distraction as we plan to leave for the Spring Arbor area tomorrow night.

Strange Dream of Nouwen

In his Genesee Diary, Henri Nouwen records a dream about Thomas Merton that he found significant.  I had a dream last night that is perhaps insignificant, about Henri Nouwen.

It seems we (fellow students and I) were at a campground for one of our yearly residencies for our Masters program. Henri was our teacher. The dream opens in the cafeteria where I was having a conversation over lunch with my former youth pastor, Nancy.  She has her PhD and has been teaching at the university level.  She apparently was teaching for Spring Arbor, as she was at our residency.    She was challenging me about the rigor of our program. It seemed that my thoughts in our discussion were unenlightened because I hadn't been around academia at one of the top schools. She seemed to think I was more cut out for Yale and was disappointed that I was in this program.  I defended my decision telling the story about how and why I came to the Masters in Spiritual Formation and Leadership.  I touted some lofty goal that SAU had for becoming a top tier regional center for learning.  She just gave me this quizzical look.

Inner Healing part 3

The following is from a guided meditation into inner healing.  It takes place in my imagination and goes where I am surprised.  I thought I would have to work on my feelings about the church in Faribault that I had to work on earlier, but see where Jesus took me...

I walk to the creek side and sit on the large stones that form its bank. My back is to my Grandparent’s farmhouse and barn. Jesus comes and sits with me. I feel his body, his arm against my shoulder. He laughs and I push him.

I tell him that I feel he has shown me something at the core of me that I feel like an annoyance to others. I tell him that the members of my cohort have affirmed that I am not, that it is a lie. They asked me where that idea came from. I don’t know. I ask Jesus to Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24).

Residency Day 3

Tonight Ken spoke about the connection between social justice and the charismatic movement. I wish all the A/G could hear that message. The world needs our prophetic and discernment that comes from Spirit Baptism. The poor need the gift of healing. The principalities and powers that oppress with injustice need to be torn down by our spiritual warfare.

After his message we had a charismatic worship time. He introduced me to some structures (liturgy) found in our worship that I hadn’t noticed before: the back and forth between the structure and spontaneous as we sing. The other new thing for me was a form of worship called “Harp and Bowl.” It is similar to lectio devina but in the context of sung worship. I haven’t been in an A/G church that has done this but Jerrell’s church has done it. I’d love to experiment with it.

I felt like my true self tonight. I miss a time of good Pentecostal worship and a ministry time employing the gifts. I received prayer for my sleep disorder. I am anxious to see how rested I am tomorrow. More impressively as Ken was praying for me the Spirit zeroed in on what is really at my heart, the people of my church. He prayed for us to have an awakening and a time of freshness and spiritual restfulness – that the people would receive what I preach and that a fresh anointing would fall on me to preach. He also prayed that healing would flow through me to my home, and my community. Yes Lord! Amen.

Residency Day 2

Tonight as we were talking about our frustrations and guilt about Social Justice, I mentioned that I felt guilty about being on welfare. I then shared with tears about the stresses of this week. My cohort prayed inspired prayers. Jerrell had a word of prophesy for me on the flight here, “You have been faithful in the small things and that is more important than results.” I am blown away by God’s love for me and my cohort’s love. They feel some leading to do something about our struggle, and are trying to figure out what to do. I am a blessed man.

Update: This morning when I woke up I found 200 dollars had been slid under my door!

Residency day 1

Today we arrived at Malvern Retreat Center. This place has some amazing sacred space. Turn a corner and you bump into a statue of a saint, as Mojo said. There is an Oratory in both the men and women’s wings. It is a prayer room, rather it is a room that upon entering you are immersed in prayer and must pray. The one on the women’s side has a vaulted ceiling painted in blue with stars. There is a chandelier/mobile in each that both mutes the light and brings the image of heaven. There are kneelers and marble floors. The men’s side evokes the image of the holy of holies. The doors are embossed in gold. Inside four golden pillars hold up a fiery canopy. Across the altar there is a tabernacle for the host. During the retreats put on by the center, the rooms are used for 15 minutes of adoration of the host by each retreating daily.

On the men’s side there is also a statue of Jesus featuring the imagery of his immaculate heart. I noticed this time that his heart is on fire. It is life sized on a pedestal. His left hand gestured to his heart. I could reach up and put my hand on his heart and his outstretched right hand was positioned just right to touch my forehead. It was so life like. I received his blessing; I put my hand around the back of his so to hold it to my head. I love you Jesus!

Tonight Mojo spoke about the road to Emmaus in preparation for communion. We repeated a collect as a refrain through out the service:

Lord Jesus stay with us,
for evening is at hand and the day is past;
be our companion in the way, kindle our hearts,
and awaken hope,
that we may know you as you are revealed in scripture
and the breaking of bread.
Grant this for the sake of your love. Amen.

He had us each take a stone to represent the burdens that accompanied us to the retreat. I thought of the financial burden that plagued Elaine and I as I left. She gave me fifty dollars, that was all we had. When we got to the hotel I had 15 left, and my heart sank as I approached the counter to swipe my card. With heavy heart I told her that I charged our bank account seventy dollars that wasn’t there.

As I approached I grabbed a sharp stone, one that as I pressed it in my hand hurt like the stinging sense of failure I harbored because of our financial situation as well as my weariness. As I looked at the stone it sparkled, it was composed of red and black specks. It was beautiful. “Uh Oh, I find my burden is beautiful, what does that mean.” As I listened to God I sensed his response. Your burden is painful as you clutch it in your hand, but when you release it to me it sparkles. I am strong in your weakness. You see my faithfulness through your troubles.

Adventures in Asceticism

This week has been an adventure worthy of the Count of Monte Cristo. This time, however, the hero of the story was not Edmond Dantes, Though he had his extravagance and dramatic timing. No, the hero wasn’t me either. God is the hero of this (perhaps every) good story.

We set off for district council with little money but some great assets. Brad Trask had graciously offered us Brighton Assembly’s Missionary House. As hard as we tried to share the blessing, we couldn’t find anyone else to stay with us, so we had this big beautiful house to ourselves. Our parents were going to stay at FaHoLo campground in Grass Lake and watch our kids in their bus.

We thought if worse came to worse we could buy some food with our foodstamps and cook back at the missionary house. But we ha a problem there. I had cracked the card a few weeks back and Elaine called for a replacement. The card didn’t come until we had left. So the cash we had on hand was all there was. We were stressed, but we determined to trust God.

We went down to the campground Sunday night. Elaine and I were in the midst of a three day fast anticipating what God would do in us through ordination, so we only had to feed the kids. The next day we dropped off my suits at a dry cleaner (One Hour Martinizing which is no longer one hour, we were extremely lucky they let us have one day service.) That took the last of our money. In fact I had to borrow a dollar from money I had brought to restock the coffeehouse.

Later that day I had coffee with Professor Mojo, and classmates, Joe and Christy. We talked about St. Francis and other things spiritual. I was so hyped up on caffeine courtesy of Live Wired Coffeehouse (R&D) that I was talking a mile a minute. Christy prayed for us, that God would provide the money to get us back home. Will all our talk about St. Francis I was soon to find the joy of his simplicity and relinquishment.

That night my parents got in. They decided to celebrate our anniversary (a month early) and we went to the grocery store for supplies and a desert. They then wanted to get a pizza. We drove all around Jackson to find a place that was open. My parents felt so bad that they filled our tank for us! Then back at the bus we had desert and opened a card with a gift of $25!

Armed with gas and $25 we headed to council. Tuesday was our ordination luncheon and rehearsal. That night was the banquet we had already paid for, so our meals were covered for this day. Dave Williams laughed at the luncheon that he had intended to send us $100 after reading some comments we had posted about our desire to trust God with our finances and become even more generous. He was so tickled that we didn’t act like victims of our economy. We laughed with him, we thought it was silly, but nice, of him to think of sending $100 to us.

Wednesday was the offering for pastor appreciation - our pastor, the pastor’s pastor, Bill Leach. God had already given us a tank of gas and money. He was great! Elaine pulled the $20 bill out of the envelop with a sly delighted look in her eye. I nodded with a grin. The offering went by and we had $5 left.

The next day was the home missions service, where we celebrate church planting and other missions here at home. We love church planting and we love God and the way he was providing so we gave our last five dollars. After that service I was called over by one of the leaders in our district and was given a Pentecostal Handshake, that wonderful institution where the Spirit inspires someone to pass some cash along with the peace of a handshake. As if we needed further proof that God was taking care of us, I found in my hand five $5 bills, completely replacing the money that we had gotten rid of already! We were being blessed by a photographer with royalty free professional photos on a cd so we in turn blessed him with $20 of our money. I tell you we just couldn’t get rid of the stuff. To our surprise Dave Williams then made good on his ridiculous promise to give us some money. So we were then able to go out to dinner on a crisp $100 bill and put another $50 in the offering! We really couldn’t out give God as much as we tried. It was fun to try. I felt the joy of St. Francis dancing through the woods in nothing but a hair shirt having thrown even the clothes off his back down at his father’s feet. “Now I can truly pray, ‘My Father in Heaven,’” he said.

Dave talked about his early days in ministry as we prepared to take up that last offering. He talked about how God had challenged him to be generous. He was making almost nothing, but he decided to tithe to the district, then tithe again to his church and then give to missions before spending the rest. I laughed out loud and leaned over to Elaine and whispered, “That is ridiculous!” Ridiculous and fabulous! God had only in the last few weeks challenged us to the same thing! What fun this adventure is. O for the day when we can finally give it all away! And we can live free, in the joyful asceticism.

Balance of Time

Holt’s hourglass framework in his book Thirsty for God provides a good way to understand the divergences of the reformation and the ways we can learn from each other.

It is surprising how fast the narrowing started. I’ve read that in the first centuries the Christian Jewish churches were cut off from their Gentile counterparts, which quickly lead to attitudes toward Jews espoused by Chrysostom. Then as Holt showed in the previous chapters the hourglass narrowed further with the euro-centric church.

With the reformation we see the hourglass widen in terms of the diversity of the Church world wide, but each expression has its own narrowing of understanding and tradition. The great joy of our time, Holt alludes to in his introduction, is that those streams are once again flowing together and enjoying our common tradition.

Holt has suggested that the early Christian theologians have too dim a view of the natural world just as Webber suggested that the medieval Mystics had too strong an emphasis on Eros. I have liked the balance Chesterton has brought to the excrescences of the faith. In Saint Francis he suggests that the dark ages, with its otherworldliness and extreme asceticism was needed to cleanse the world of pagan naturalism, so that a true respect for creation and Creator could be attained. In Orthodoxy he asserts that the excrescences balance themselves across Christendom.

Reading both critically and spiritually

I think it is essential that we integrate our critical thought with our spiritual discoveries.

“A fruitful interplay exists between the informational [critical thought] and formational [spiritual receptivity] modes. We must have a certain level of information about the biblical passage, some sense of the meaning of the text in its original context, some sense of what God was saying to the intended readers before it can become formational” (Mulholland 61).

I have often thought the true power of the Word of God is when we let it be his true Word and not what we would like it to be. For me this has meant looking at the text using all the Bible study methods at my disposal to try to determine what God is trying to say through this author.

I have found that I am never satisfied with my studies for a sermon until the text has mastered me, breathed new life in me and destroyed me. This has often proved itself to be difficult work, and I often have found myself asking God if I missed the mark in choosing this text because it hasn’t yet shaken me to the core. He impresses on me that the good seldom comes easily and I keep on: reading, rereading, even before I knew what lectio was, until he gets my attention. The text then takes on the spiritual force of true scripture to my soul.

The Spiritual side also must inform the critical study. Barbara Bowe in her book, takes a much more liberal view of scriptures than I do. She betrays her demythologizing tendencies with her reference to the Sea of Reeds (as opposed to the Red Sea), but does it really matter? She still sees and demands the spiritual force of the text to remain.

The understanding of the Bible as being scripture before textbook has allowed me freedom as I have matured. I grew up a fundamentalist, and don’t get me wrong: technically I still am since I still believe in the verbal plenary inspiration of scripture. When I was eight or nine I remember sitting down at my dad’s typewriter one December to harmonize the birth stories in the gospels. When I went to college it still shocked and offended my sensibilities to think that Matthew may not have been the first gospel written, after all its the first one in the book! The understanding of the Bible as a sacred text, as scripture to bring formation and not, in the first place, information, helped me understand that each gospel writer had his message, inspired as it was, to present. Even in the way he ordered his stories served to form us! I loved this idea and by my senior year was really taken with synoptic studies. Form criticism (or as I like to say, formsgeschichte, mainly because it is fun to say) took its place as a powerful way to introduce to me the spiritual message of the evangelists.

20/20

Dallas Willard gave us the VIM model for change: vision, intention and means. I think the New Testament’s greatest contribution to our spirituality is in giving us vision. From Jesus we hear about what it is to live the in the Kingdom. The epistles flesh out how to live this life. The various apocalyptic visions give us our blessed and most beautiful hope for the future.

If the Old Testament gives us examples of our struggle with God and his struggle with us, if it shows us the wonder and the demands of the covenant relationship, the New Testament shows us how to live a new transformed life now that Jesus has made the covenant relationship complete. We are faced with the sermon on the mount’s lofty ideals, and the way of love demonstrated by God by giving his Son while we were yet sinners. We hear the command to love and take on the life of Love itself. We are given the promise of marriage and await with bated breath its consummation.

Lebensgeschichte

I would argue that the most significant aspect of Old Testament spirituality is the example of lives struggling with God. “So, says Seerveld, ‘The Holy Scriptures invite us treacherous, deceitful people to take hold of God and pull for blessing. When we finally give up our self-sufficient pride then the Angel of the Lord, whom we know as Jesus Christ, will hold us tight in an embrace of love from which nothing can separate us” (Stevens 61).

In their example we see not only their closeness to God, but their weaknesses that make them utterly dependent upon him. We see their struggles and that is where they are models. No character outside of Christ is so fully formed that we could model our lives safely after them. So we don’t live the life of a Sarah, or an Abraham. We don’t take our neighbors’ spouses or kill our rivals, but we do imitate David as he wrestles with his friend, God.

Play the Sunset

In Mr. Holland's Opus, Mr. Holland inspires a student to go deeper than the notes on the page to the true joy of the music by telling her to "play the sunset."

The epic story of God with his miracles and activity in our history is beautiful. Here we are with our lives - our stories woven into the tapestry.

Like a sunset, the glory of God is shining. The living Jesus is the radiance of his glory and the exact representation of his being. It is as we get past the notes on the page and play his glory that our lives take on the joy and fun of a life hidden in Christ.

Mr. Hollands Opus also reminds me of a score by Steve Reich. He wrote minimalist music. In the late 70's he wrote "Music For 18 Musicians." It is simple in its concept - building patterns note by note, but it becomes incredibly complex. The different musicians take up the strains at different times. There is no conductor and as a body they undulate and repeat passages as they desire. The piece can last an hour or more. Students at Grand Valley University recently recorded it and I heard an interview with them on NPR's Weekend edition. The pianist called it a spiritual experience - to play and listen to every one playing around you and be immersed in the music for so long. Their experience reminded me of our own experiences in California with Taize and the rest. Our harmonies, counter points and dissonance is woven into a beautiful song in God's glory. As we get behind the notes into the boundless life of God, the real break through happens, just as it did for the New Music Ensemble at Grand Valley.

Their director Bill Ryan said in the interview, "We had been looking at the work for about six weeks, and there were moments in the rehearsal where I started to see the players come out of their own parts — relaxing, looking around, using their ears, listening to parts that were happening across the room. I knew then that our concert would be fine."

unity through diversity

My friend Kim Butts said,

"It would be an amazing thing for the body of Christ to intentionally draw together in unity around His word so that we can experience and obey Jesus in all His fullness."

So often, it seems, as we gather around the word, we find more to divide us than to bind us together. We need to learn a new way. We need to be the body of Christ as we approach the word of Christ. My experiences with my local ministerial have taught me the richness of really coming together around the word, as we do weekly (ah the joys of the revised common lectionary!).

I believe diversity is the key to community. A homogeneous group isn't able to meet on another's needs nor see properly. Like the fable of the blind men inspecting the elephant, God is too big for any of us to grasp so we all the more need on another. The more diverse views of God we get the better we can see him.

Living Word

I am stuck by how powerfully the reality of the living Christ is to our Spiritual Formation. Paul says, “if the Lord be not risen then we are of all men most miserable.” How true. He is the very word of God. He is embodied in our scriptures just as he was for a few decades in flesh. Now he lives on both in glorified body and transforming Spirit.
Johnson points out that the church while the body of Christ is not the “radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being” (Hebrews 1:3 NIV). “The mystical body of the church is less a container than a sign that points beyond itself to the life it so inadequately expresses” (Johnson 39). Can you imagine a church so fully transformed that we actually reflect the glory of God. I am reminded of Colossians 3:3-4 “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory” (NIV). Some great reason to touch finger to flame! Eh?

What are the gifts of the Spirit for?

In the Great Omission, Dallas Willard suggests that experiences of excitement that come with Pentecost do not form character. They are good for many things, but they do not fundamentally change us.

I wrestled with that idea this week. For some time I have been trying to figure out why we have the pentecostal experience. It seems those involved in the Pentecostal Revivals at the turn of the last century were also grasping to understand these things.

Richard Foster suggests that William J Seymour thought the new Pentecost meant racial reconciliation. Unfortunately the work of reconciliation is left undone, but the Pentecostal experience went on.

Others thought that the gift of tongues was for missionary work and thought that they didn't need to learn a language to speak to the people in another land. So they went and many discovered that it didn't usually work that way.

In the end we settled out with the Pentecostal baptism meaning the soon return of Christ. Many churches took out mortgages with no intention of repaying them because Christ was coming back soon. Well its been 100 years and he hasn't come.

Pentecostal experience is waining in our churches and small wonder. Why should we be baptized in the Spirit? All of these reasons haven't worked out too well. We say it is an empowerment for ministry, but then we also commonly make out that ministry along with discipleship is something optional to Christianity. It then follows that the Baptism in the Spirit is not meant for everyone.

In wrestling with this I wanted to bring the mystical back into it. The full on working of the Spirit experienced in Pentecostal Baptism (total immersion in Him) is a wonderful and intimate thing. So often in Pentecostal tradition, we have seen the working of the Spirit functionally and pragmatically. I was hoping I could make the things of the Spirit about spiritual formation. But along comes Dallas Willard suggesting that those experiences do not effect formation of character to Christlikeness.

Today Dallas sat next to me at lunch, greeting me, "hey Aquaman!" (I was wearing an Aquaman t-shirt). I sat just listening to the conversation around me as I had the previous days Dallas sat near me. Perhaps the explanation of who Aquaman is and his interaction with my family emboldened me to pose the question.

Dallas suggested that the manifestations of the Spirit's working remind us that the Kingdom of Heaven is here. He also noted that the gifts of the Spirit aren't for empowerment for ministry in general but are to meet specific needs in the body. Their use by all Christians, makes the body able to minister to each other through prophesy, words of wisdom, healing and the like. While those goosebump experiences do not form the character of the one being so used, the gifts can help to build others in the body as they are ministered to. They are also not to be isolated from the fruit of the Spirit which are entirely about character formation.

In the end it is more functional and practical than even pentecostal have commonly made it, but it is also more profound and foundational.

Coventry Cathedral Prayer

Hallowed be Thy Name in Industry:
God be in my hands and in my making.

[REFRAIN:]
Holy, Holy, Holy; Lord God of Hosts;
Heaven and earth are full of thy glory.

Hallowed be Thy Name in the Arts:
God be in my senses and in my creating.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in the Home:
God be in my heart and in my loving.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in Commerce:
God be at my desk and in my trading.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in Suffering:
God be in my pain and in my enduring.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in Government:
God be in my plans and in my deciding.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in Education:
God be in my mind and in my growing.

[REFRAIN]
Hallowed be Thy Name in Recreation:
God be in my limbs and in my leisure.

[REFRAIN]

Unceacing spiritual beings with eternal destinies in God's Universe

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously—no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners—no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.

- C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

"We are not human beings having a spiritual expereince we are spiritual beings having a human experience" -T.D. Chardin

The body and the blood

Tonight again we celebrated communion. On this retreat it will be a daily experience. How I long to make it more often at home. With the taste of the body and the blood lingering in my mouth, I wondered the grounds at Mater Dolorosa. I stood at a crucifix at the end of the hall. Jesus was at my level and almost my size. He looked to heaven, his "why" frozen on his lips. I could have embraced him had he not been cross bound.

I then made my way around the way of the cross, a pathway marking Jesus' walk to Golgotha. The stations of the cross were vignettes of statues. When Jesus fell, and lay under the soldiers blows or lay across the cross beam the half driven nail in his wrist, the soldiers hammer raised, I sorrowed for him. The taste of his bread and wine returned to my senses. I caressed his suffering face. I remembered him. I took him in. He became a member of me again, or rather I was re-membered as a part of his body.

God's Word For Me

A friend and a classmate felt God was telling him to share this with me.

Chris,
There is great joy within the sorrow and weariness.

May there arise from within you a freedom to release the joy and laughter with and to your congregation.

There is a refreshment to be released to your people - a much needed refreshment … and, a refreshment that can be released from and through you.

This isn’t anything hat must be manufactured or produced … its already in you… let it emerge and flow forth.

Not only do they need to see this in you - you desperately need to know, see and release it..

There is and will be great strength found in this place of joy.

Dallas Willard reminded us “Joy and sorrow are not inconstant for the child of God.”

My congregation doesn't often see me when I am at my liveliest. Especially breakfasts on Wednesdays, I know they see me as withdrawn, sullen and quiet. Sometimes that has been interpreted as being unfriendly. Part of this is that I am not a morning person. I spend most mornings that way. I am a little more excitable on Sunday mornings because of what is in store.

Even in the midst of missing my family and the sorrow that surrounds that, looking over the L.A. basin at night I am struck by the presence and goodness of my Jesus. I have deep joy in him. I love him so much.

I think perhaps I should start taking my kids to school on Wednesdays and use the interim time to practice celebration. I could make myself a joyful cup of coffee to take to breakfast with me. (A triple Americano always helps my joy break out!) And I can wake up by dancing before my God in celebration. That will no doubt change my demeanor at breakfast.

He this is practical stuff, but the disciplines are really transforming my life! Whoopie! I can trust God to transform the church around and through me as well!