Falling apart

My heart is raw again today.  Kip distributed an email from M— about the lease for our coffeehouse.  She talks about feeling taken advantage of.  Father John said, “I’m only half way through and I’m steaming.”  That is how I felt too. We didn’t ask for any of the generous things she felt were to her disadvantage.  She keeps backpedaling on her verbal agreements and yet seems upset that we need a lease.  She is upset that the process is taking so long when she stalled in getting us assurances that she was up to date on her financial obligations in the building. It is frustrating.  It feels like everything is falling apart.

I know the frustration of trying strategy after strategy and nothing bearing fruit.  That is how I felt on staff at Faribault.  That is how my church feels about the parade of pastors over their 75-year history.   When the coffeehouse seems tenuous, I suspect that if it fails, it may be the cause of my leaving. Defeated.

I am listening to Fee sing Everything Falls.  “When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together.  When everything falls apart, you’re the only hope for this heart.”  God is my hope still.  I am powerless to bear fruit.  And God, at times I feel angry with you for not producing fruit in me.  Then I wonder if in some way I am less connected to the vine than I ought to be. Perhaps it is just a matter of holding on?   

Hunger

God, I am hungry!

I haven't eaten in two days. Why? I feel numb and aimless. I feel like I've lost my fight. When it was suggested in a class that we pick a discipline to try, I felt drawn to fasting. I know, it is one I have done many times before, and the idea was probably to try something new - out of the ordinary. I was drawn to it because it seemed like hunger would be appropriate for what I was feeling. Like the line in a bluegrass song I like:

Mr. Engineer reach up and pull the whistle
Let me hear that lonesome sound
For it blends with the feeling that's in me
The one I loved has turned me down

O God, you are my God, I seek you,
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
²So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
³Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
⁴So I will bless you as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands and call on your name.

⁵My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast,
and my mouth praises you with joyful lips
⁶when I think of you on my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.
⁸My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

⁹But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
¹⁰they shall be given over to the power of the sword,
they shall be prey for jackals.
¹¹But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

Psalm 63

Music Appreciation

Reflect on the fragmentation of spirituality in [modern development] comparable to the ecclectic diversity today in musical tastes (there are no groups today like the Beatles; there are no theologians like Karl Barth). Does this simply mean everyone picks and chooses what they think best for themselves? How do we avoid a consumer approach to spirituality?

-Mojo

Mojo's music metaphors reminds me of my class in music appreciation. The goal was to expose us to the musics of other cultures. As a stupid freshman I thought it wise to share my roommate's cd set rather than get my own. Now I kick myself every time I want to hear the Islamic call to prayer or a Chinese aria. Over the years my musical tastes have broadened. Some of the pop music I listened to as a teen, I can't stand. At the same time I have grown to appreciate hardcore and bluegrass simultaneously (though country is still devil's work).

The myriad options provide opportunities for growth and expression. To be honest, when I think of the fractured and many spiritualities, their quarrellings and shopping patrons, my stomach knots up. I feel nauseated much I like I feel when listening to country.

The point is that we can explore and appreciate the wide world of music (or spirituality). That is not to say we have to completely throw out our preferences, I will always have a special place in my heart for Jazz, Big Band and crooners, but I have found classical to enrich my life. Were I to turn my nose up at all these expressions (country accepted) I would fail to embrace the wonders of life. In spirituality I can also get stuck in one favorite genre the expense of all others, only to serve my preferences. It is then that I replace "disciple" with "consumer."

Play the Sunset

In Mr. Holland's Opus, Mr. Holland inspires a student to go deeper than the notes on the page to the true joy of the music by telling her to "play the sunset."

The epic story of God with his miracles and activity in our history is beautiful. Here we are with our lives - our stories woven into the tapestry.

Like a sunset, the glory of God is shining. The living Jesus is the radiance of his glory and the exact representation of his being. It is as we get past the notes on the page and play his glory that our lives take on the joy and fun of a life hidden in Christ.

Mr. Hollands Opus also reminds me of a score by Steve Reich. He wrote minimalist music. In the late 70's he wrote "Music For 18 Musicians." It is simple in its concept - building patterns note by note, but it becomes incredibly complex. The different musicians take up the strains at different times. There is no conductor and as a body they undulate and repeat passages as they desire. The piece can last an hour or more. Students at Grand Valley University recently recorded it and I heard an interview with them on NPR's Weekend edition. The pianist called it a spiritual experience - to play and listen to every one playing around you and be immersed in the music for so long. Their experience reminded me of our own experiences in California with Taize and the rest. Our harmonies, counter points and dissonance is woven into a beautiful song in God's glory. As we get behind the notes into the boundless life of God, the real break through happens, just as it did for the New Music Ensemble at Grand Valley.

Their director Bill Ryan said in the interview, "We had been looking at the work for about six weeks, and there were moments in the rehearsal where I started to see the players come out of their own parts — relaxing, looking around, using their ears, listening to parts that were happening across the room. I knew then that our concert would be fine."