A week in Lansing

I've spent much of this last week in Lansing. Last weekend was Called Convention, as usual I set up the reflection room. It was neat to see the teenagers worshiping with such zeal. The irony was not lost on me, that as I struggled with restlessness and searched for direction for my ministry, I was tasked with helping students discern their callings. It was helpful for me, too.  I had been in a funk, questioning my effectiveness as a minister.

The David Crowder song How He Loves wrecked me the first night. I was powerfully overcome by a sense of God's love. Lines like, "All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory," and "And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss/And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets..." destroyed my funk.

Sunday morning I went to an early service at All Saints Episcopal. I found the liturgy and eucharist as nourishing as ever.  Then I high-tailed it back to Sebewaing and managed to make it in time to hear Elaine deliver a killer sermon. It was the first Sunday I had been in church without suit or tie.  I felt relaxed.

Monday we took off for District Council.  We happened to have booked the same hotel that I had stayed in for called convention. I had no luck finding a decent espresso the first time we were there, but Mount Hope had a surprisingly good shot, so did Deckers and Gone Wired.

I greatly enjoyed conversations with friends and the services. God was affirming and it was wonderful.  As Elaine and I were leaving, a pastor of a large church with many daughter churches and author of many books, a guy with whom people are impressed, said he thought we were impressive!  I chortled and Elaine said, "whatever." I felt such consolation on the trip home.  God spoke to me through Dave's words.  It was like hearing God saying "You are my beloved son, in you am I well pleased."  Nice.

Ignatian Pentecost

Consolation has captured my imagination lately. Dean Brackley in The Call to Discernment writes about how the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises can be used for discernment. I have been experimenting with using consolation and desolation to discern the voice of God leading me.

Simply put, when we are following after God, “It is characteristic of the Holy Spirit to move us to ‘true joy and spiritual delight, taking away all sadness and turmoil induced by the enemy.’ It is characteristic of the enemy to ‘work against this kind of joy and spiritual consolation, introducing false reasons, subtleties, and persistent fallacies’” (135). I have been trying to be more aware of those feelings of joy that are disproportionate with their cause, and follow that consolation as the way God is leading me. Likewise I have paying attention to the feelings of desolation that are disproportionate to cause, trying to track down where that feeling began and address that incursion of the enemy as a departure from what God would lead me. This has been exciting, as I have learned to hear the voice of the Spirit in the sensations of my soul. There are of course dangers in false consolations; I can’t trust my feelings, only my God. So I need much practice in these experiments to learn to tell the difference.

Brackley made an immediate connection to my Pentecostal heritage when he mentioned that the Greek word for this consolation is paraklesis: the very stuff of the Paraklete (one of our favorite names for the Holy Spirit). “The comforter has come!” and it is even by his comfort that we learn to hear his will.

Discernment by Consolation and Quadrilateral

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral seems very logical. It is even very helpful. One thing that I am wrestling with is what happens when one or two voices doesn't agree. For instance the scripture says that I can trust God for my daily bread. The tradition of the church has affirmed this in various ways. But my own experience tells me that my checkbook is empty and that the store doesn't give away bread. My reason tells me that I shouldn't trust God.

In order for my reason and experience to be trusted it must be subordinated to the truth of scripture and the higher reality of God in the face of the reality of this age. My experience must be deep and practiced. In comes Ignatius' rules for discernment. As I practice following the consolation I learn to hear the voice of God. I begin to have an experience I can trust. As I come to recognize the voice of God and the accompanying consolation, come to know God. Then God's ultimate reality will become a factor in my mental equations as I reason.

Tonight I was off on another shopping trip when I was struck suddenly by desolation. This time I recognized that this happens often when I am spending money, and the sense of desolation is surely not proportionate with the cause. I struggled to know why this caused me desolation.

Was it that I shouldn't be spending money?
- no, Elaine was convinced that helping Foster buy a Lightening McQueen bike with his birthday money was in God's hands. A lady even gave us a $5 off coupon in the parking lot on our way into the store.

Was it that I didn't trust God?
- I think that is part of it. I think God may have allowed the desolation to teach me that financial security still has quite a hold on me, but at the same time I don't think that God wants me to go on an unbridled spending spree. That seems so contrary to the witness of the gospels (the prosperity so-called-gospel excepted).

Was it that I was spending so much money on toys for me? Again this year a new computer, feeding new toner to our fancy printer, the iPod touch that I got free with the computer, perhaps all my toys made Foster's toy distasteful to me.
- Elaine reminded me that we do give a lot of money all year long, not to mention the substance of our lives. Even so this one stuck with me.

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral helped me track down when my honeyed consolation turned to desolation. What was God telling me? To trust him, and get my eyes off of myself - whether it be my lack of money or my toys - and put them back on him and others.

Now to test the theory and build my experience. Elaine was driving and pulled up to the drive through at Taco Bell to order me dinner. Unexpectedly the guy on the other side of the speaker asked, "Do wanted to give a dollar to help end world hung--" YES! "--er." And just like that immediately consolation flooded me. Such a small thing, and again the feeling was disproportionate to the cause. We followed the consolation giving a bit more.

Remembering this will give me some thing to stick into my reasoning next time we're out shopping. The quadrilateral is, I think, most powerful when positioned within the Rules for Discernment.

Day two on retreat

Thank you, dear God, for your consolations today. I woke up this morning to your stars shining in the sky. I marveled at your creation on the way to the chapel. The sweet smell of the sanctuary greeted me as we who had gathered sat in your presence offering our solemn and subdued praise. In darkness we sat, keeping watch with Christ. Thank you for your continual watch and protection.

As I left in the calm of your presence I saw your stars again. I laid down on a bench and gazed up at them. Thank you for hanging the stars in their place. Thank you for being bigger still. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for two pieces of toast and a shower. Thank you for the opportunity to pray with a community of brothers twice before the sun rose.

Thank you for eucharist with real wine.

Thank you for work periods of reading with me about spiritual direction. With your presence on my shoulders, your arm around my neck and the smell of frankincense and myrrh still in my senses, the warmth of the spiritual director’s relationship was abundantly clear.

Thank you for lunch and introducing me again to the prayer of examen. I wonder how open I dare be in blogging my prayers and how much I must hide away.

Thank you for seven times today praying the hours to the dulcet chants of the brothers.

Thank you for a bowl of cabbage soup for supper and listening to the history of Hotels in america being read to us.

Thank you for the sweet dreamlike peace you have given me today.

Thank you for the consolations of the animals. The ridiculous sounds of shrieking dear and cackling turkeys; the friendly cats who jump on any available lap, and for the humming bird that visited me.

Still amidst the joy I have felt some disquiet as well. Even as I thanked you that the humiliating events of yesterday didn’t cause me shame - the suggestion that I play the guitar outside didn’t cause me to be at all defensive, that the whole dinning hall was waiting for me to finish an apple before saying a closing prayer, or the fact that my pants had split when I fell over at vespers didn’t even make me blush - but even as I thanked you today for your grace at those times, I felt the empty sting of shame.

As I walked down to the library I passed a young woman, and I noticed an anxiousness. I wanted to be seen as attractive to her. For that reason I felt embarrassed and avoided her.

My thoughts wandered often today, thank you for bringing them back to you. When fatigue and boredom set in (that was a lot of reading!) the feeling of your presence left me. Thank you for being there in spite of my feelings.

I realized when I was first thinking about examen that I spent as much time using the rosary ring I made as I had hoping someone would notice it and ask about it. So I took it off. There was a rosary in the chapel by the statue of your mom. Did miss having it once when I longed for you and didn’t have your likeness to touch.

Thank you for what you have shown me today. Give me grace for tomorrow to live with you and avoid the mistakes and missed opportunities of today. Be with my family at home and bless them. Thank you for bringing Foster and Ella to mind as we prayed compline. I thought of all the times we prayed those psalms together in their room. Maybe next time I’ll chant them. What a nice lullaby.