Loneliness

I lay awake with a sense of malaise. Perhaps it is the feeling that there is much I have left undone, and battles left unfought. Perhaps it is the unknowing, will I pass or will I fail? Will I prevail or fall? I am uncomfortable with who I am.  In any case the result is the same, loneliness borne of desolation.

Saturday night was such a night. I felt I just needed my wife to hold me. Her touch and embrace ironically converted my loneliness to solitude.

Monday, I again felt the sting of loneliness.  This time it resolved in solidarity with other solitary people around the world.  I found myself praying and resting in God.

Loneliness and Family

Today I took advantage of my week between classes to learn something not on the curriculum (though I also took some time to get familiar with the text for the next course – go me:P). I listened to a tape by Henri Nouwen called Spirituality of Marriage and the Family. Fred lent it to me a couple weeks back. It was nice to hear what Henri Nouwed sounded like. I didn't imagine he had the accent that he did!

The thing that struck me most is that he saw the primary vocation in marriage being to solitude and intimacy. The idea of a vocation to solitude and of the ministry of honoring and protecting loneliness in each other really grabbed me. Nouwen suggests we should not expect marriage to end our loneliness, as it is our seal of being destined for a greater communion to come. The ministry of marriage is to protect and honor that feeling and minister to it the comfort of intimacy. When intimacy and solitude work together, we give space to each other – we bind up the pain of loneliness through intimacy and give generous space in solitude. The ministry of spacious generosity is hospitality and we offer it to our children and to all who pass through our door that we may bind up their wounds of loneliness while they are with us.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Fear creates distance, intensifies distance and aggravates solitude.  I miss you more, for fear gives me a reason to long for your comforting arms.  I miss Elaine in exactly the same way.  Once again she is the model by which you teach me of your love.  I am so glad my relationship with her is also my relationship with you, Lord.  I do call out for your help.  I indeed long for your salvation, but even more for the comfort of your arms.

Even so I count any opportunity to suffer a great honor. There I find comfort also in your forever, immutability. I am but a boy in love.  O love of mine, be near me and walk with me.  Take my hand and lets take this journey together, you, me and Elaine. With such company, I will not fear.  And free me from fear. My unfettered heart will fly to obey your every whisper.  I love you so greatly.