Sleepless nights

During the three weeks we spent in Chicago, our sabbatical was restful. We focused on enjoying community life and learning how it works. Now that we are staying with my parents, it seems that the weight of our responsibility for the church is upon me again. I feel like now is the time for us to work on dreaming and planning.

Last night I was agitated and stressed. Elaine didn’t seem ready to do this work and I was feeling the stress of it. I mused and fumed, dared to dream and abandoned all hope in turn. I remembered, before we left, how I recognized that it would take faith to leave the church in God’s hands. Last night I was worrying again that there might not be a church to come back to. I remembered prayer times at The Nidge. There was a sandy pot where one could leave a candle burning. I wished I had that available to me – to leave my need and prayer before God in a tangible way and put my care back in God’s hands. It was about two in the morning when I found a solution. I turned the light on in the bathroom and left that light burning as a prayer before God. Understand I know my prayer is always before God, but tonight I needed a way to walk away, leaving it there before God.

Even after the stress left me, I still couldn’t sleep. Other projects came to mind. I began redesigning a spinner ring, planning the custom pieces I would need machined. I pondered how to create an automatic bell to chime for times of prayer that would also be kinetic art. Wherever I turned, my brain wouldn’t let me sleep.

Discernment by Consolation and Quadrilateral

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral seems very logical. It is even very helpful. One thing that I am wrestling with is what happens when one or two voices doesn't agree. For instance the scripture says that I can trust God for my daily bread. The tradition of the church has affirmed this in various ways. But my own experience tells me that my checkbook is empty and that the store doesn't give away bread. My reason tells me that I shouldn't trust God.

In order for my reason and experience to be trusted it must be subordinated to the truth of scripture and the higher reality of God in the face of the reality of this age. My experience must be deep and practiced. In comes Ignatius' rules for discernment. As I practice following the consolation I learn to hear the voice of God. I begin to have an experience I can trust. As I come to recognize the voice of God and the accompanying consolation, come to know God. Then God's ultimate reality will become a factor in my mental equations as I reason.

Tonight I was off on another shopping trip when I was struck suddenly by desolation. This time I recognized that this happens often when I am spending money, and the sense of desolation is surely not proportionate with the cause. I struggled to know why this caused me desolation.

Was it that I shouldn't be spending money?
- no, Elaine was convinced that helping Foster buy a Lightening McQueen bike with his birthday money was in God's hands. A lady even gave us a $5 off coupon in the parking lot on our way into the store.

Was it that I didn't trust God?
- I think that is part of it. I think God may have allowed the desolation to teach me that financial security still has quite a hold on me, but at the same time I don't think that God wants me to go on an unbridled spending spree. That seems so contrary to the witness of the gospels (the prosperity so-called-gospel excepted).

Was it that I was spending so much money on toys for me? Again this year a new computer, feeding new toner to our fancy printer, the iPod touch that I got free with the computer, perhaps all my toys made Foster's toy distasteful to me.
- Elaine reminded me that we do give a lot of money all year long, not to mention the substance of our lives. Even so this one stuck with me.

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral helped me track down when my honeyed consolation turned to desolation. What was God telling me? To trust him, and get my eyes off of myself - whether it be my lack of money or my toys - and put them back on him and others.

Now to test the theory and build my experience. Elaine was driving and pulled up to the drive through at Taco Bell to order me dinner. Unexpectedly the guy on the other side of the speaker asked, "Do wanted to give a dollar to help end world hung--" YES! "--er." And just like that immediately consolation flooded me. Such a small thing, and again the feeling was disproportionate to the cause. We followed the consolation giving a bit more.

Remembering this will give me some thing to stick into my reasoning next time we're out shopping. The quadrilateral is, I think, most powerful when positioned within the Rules for Discernment.