Breaking the power of the past

Tonight I asked God to examine me. “Search Me, know my heart and thoughts—see if there is any offensive way in me” Then I waited, listened and wrote down what came to mind. Then I prayed through each of them like this:

“Lord, I confess the sin of ___________. I ask you to forgive me for this sin, yielding to it, and the resulting pain that I have caused to others and myself. I renounce the sin of __________ and break its power over my life, the life of my descendants, through the power of the Cross of Jesus. I receive your freedom and grace God in the name of Jesus.“

One of the most meaningful aspects of this process was praying that the power of these sins be broken not only in my life but over my descendants. My desperation for freedom and forgiveness was heightened by the image of Ella and Foster struggling with my sinfulness. As I laid each item at the cross, I did so with authority and desperation, putting myself in Christ’s hands. The shame though, made me doubt my freedom.

As I rested with God and listened for him, I cried out, “Where is the spirit?!” At that moment my body shook. It was as if he was making his presence known. “OK Lord, you are here, what do you have to say?” I replied meekly. The words to Nothing But The Blood began to play in my head. I put the song on through my laptop and soaked in it for a while.

First, I was struck by the line, “Nothing can for sin atone, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” I was released from lingering thought that I had to earn my freedom, but working hard enough or even feeling hard enough.

The second thing that struck me was the ludicrous line, “How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.” I was walking around the room and had stopped in front of a mirror at the time. I was struck that Jesus made me white as snow… this face that I was looking at, the soul behind those eyes, white as snow! I started to laugh. It was ridiculous and wonderful. His blood, on that cross that give the power I prayed for to give me freedom, his blood has made me white as snow.

Now I feel grateful to the point of sorrow and hopefully expectant for the freedom that comes from his hand.

Day two on retreat

Thank you, dear God, for your consolations today. I woke up this morning to your stars shining in the sky. I marveled at your creation on the way to the chapel. The sweet smell of the sanctuary greeted me as we who had gathered sat in your presence offering our solemn and subdued praise. In darkness we sat, keeping watch with Christ. Thank you for your continual watch and protection.

As I left in the calm of your presence I saw your stars again. I laid down on a bench and gazed up at them. Thank you for hanging the stars in their place. Thank you for being bigger still. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for two pieces of toast and a shower. Thank you for the opportunity to pray with a community of brothers twice before the sun rose.

Thank you for eucharist with real wine.

Thank you for work periods of reading with me about spiritual direction. With your presence on my shoulders, your arm around my neck and the smell of frankincense and myrrh still in my senses, the warmth of the spiritual director’s relationship was abundantly clear.

Thank you for lunch and introducing me again to the prayer of examen. I wonder how open I dare be in blogging my prayers and how much I must hide away.

Thank you for seven times today praying the hours to the dulcet chants of the brothers.

Thank you for a bowl of cabbage soup for supper and listening to the history of Hotels in america being read to us.

Thank you for the sweet dreamlike peace you have given me today.

Thank you for the consolations of the animals. The ridiculous sounds of shrieking dear and cackling turkeys; the friendly cats who jump on any available lap, and for the humming bird that visited me.

Still amidst the joy I have felt some disquiet as well. Even as I thanked you that the humiliating events of yesterday didn’t cause me shame - the suggestion that I play the guitar outside didn’t cause me to be at all defensive, that the whole dinning hall was waiting for me to finish an apple before saying a closing prayer, or the fact that my pants had split when I fell over at vespers didn’t even make me blush - but even as I thanked you today for your grace at those times, I felt the empty sting of shame.

As I walked down to the library I passed a young woman, and I noticed an anxiousness. I wanted to be seen as attractive to her. For that reason I felt embarrassed and avoided her.

My thoughts wandered often today, thank you for bringing them back to you. When fatigue and boredom set in (that was a lot of reading!) the feeling of your presence left me. Thank you for being there in spite of my feelings.

I realized when I was first thinking about examen that I spent as much time using the rosary ring I made as I had hoping someone would notice it and ask about it. So I took it off. There was a rosary in the chapel by the statue of your mom. Did miss having it once when I longed for you and didn’t have your likeness to touch.

Thank you for what you have shown me today. Give me grace for tomorrow to live with you and avoid the mistakes and missed opportunities of today. Be with my family at home and bless them. Thank you for bringing Foster and Ella to mind as we prayed compline. I thought of all the times we prayed those psalms together in their room. Maybe next time I’ll chant them. What a nice lullaby.

Who am I?

Through gritted teeth and furrowed brow I examined today the thoughts, attitudes and positions of others.  How can they say things like they do?!  How can they be so legalistic, so blind, so amoral, so lost? So insignificant and yet so arrogant? 

 Why so critical and cynical?  Perhaps my brow is so tightly furrowed that my eyes are forced inward. Oh loathable self.

Who am I truly then? The more I come to the end of myself, the more I see that the answer lies in knowing my Well Beloved. These problems that seem so absorbing are erased when I see myself as a reflection in God's loving eyes.  Eyes that see, eyes that reflect with true love, true judgment. This view is startling and comforting; directing and at the same time distracting to the point that I am lost in His life - Jehovah Tsdkanu, my Well Beloved.