Trust in emptiness

This week I can greatly identify with Nouwen’s assertion that solitude is not immediately satisfying. My experiences with solitude Monday initiated a week of wrestling with myself.

Yesterday I went with my friend Rich to a retreat center in Dewitt. He has been leading a group of us in exploring the implications of centering prayer for ministry the last few months. We get together once a month for several hours, talking, reading the Cloud of Unknowing, and spending about an hour in silent centering prayer.

I was looking forward to this time, hoping that the time with God would resolve the feelings from Monday. There were moments of connection when I felt the presence, but, by and large, there was nothing. Here lies the tension. I have to trust that God is in fact doing something in that time, even when I don’t see it. I learn from the tension something about fruitfulness, the center of my struggle, as well. Even when I am not feeling like I am bearing fruit, that my six years of preaching and living example aren’t making a difference in my present context, I can still trust that God is still moving, that God’s vital sap is producing the fruit.

Hunger

I am so mean and unspiritual. During a silent retreat today, as we focused on waiting, I felt dead and unengaged. I couldn’t get one image out of my mind. And its not what you’d think. I couldn’t stop thinking about the guacamole I had last night - fresh onions and pomegranate! What does that have to do with waiting. I struggled. Maybe I’m just hungry, I thought. Sometimes when I’m fasting, I turn my thoughts of hunger to God. I’m hungry for you. I kept coming back to that. That expectant hunger - Lord increase it! I couldn’t imagine getting up and delivering the image of guacamole to the whole group though. :D