Resting

As I was reflecting on the structures and systems of my church, and where I could begin implementing strategy, I leaned back in my chair and heaved a sigh. Mindy Caliguire caught my emotion and stooped to talk to me. I explained that I served a small church that had no real systems in place with which to contend. I went on to relate how we’ve tried implementing classes and other creative forums to use for spiritual formation but have seen few people come out to them. I know it means continuing to talk about vision, but, I told her, I have been preaching this stuff for six years now. When will it take hold?

I could hear in her response that as she was listening to me, she was also listening to the Spirit. With prophetic force she commanded me to, “Rest.” Then she exempted me from the rest of the discussion about strategy!

This isn’t the first time recently that God has been speaking to me of rest. I spent five days in silent retreat at St. Gregory’s Abby in October. While there I had a powerful emotional response to Psalm 6:2. “Give me strength, I am completely exhausted.” I was surprised then because I didn’t realize that I was exhausted, yet I sobbed in sympathy to this word.

I find this ironic, and am struggling to understand what God is saying to me. Often I consider myself lazy! Why would I need to rest? I find myself tired often and I do sleep and nap, whenever I get the chance!

I get my class work done, and Sunday’s preparations never fail to come together by God’s grace. There is certainly a lot to do, and our finances are so tight I can’t even think about them, leaving them in the hands of God, my wife, and the back of my mind. Life is stressful to be sure, and my body doesn’t handle the stress well. Yet, is that an excuse for merely getting by?

I'll be bald by the time I get my Masters

Elaine was noticing today that my bald spot is much advanced. I think my forehead is growing too. It's not surprising. My body doesn't handle stress well. That's what the doctors have told me every time I go to figure out why I'm fatigued all the time. It's like I'm constitutionally lazy. I want to sleep... a lot. I was telling Fred how much stress I've had, and he asked if I take naps. I laughed. He thought I was laughing at the idea of taking time for a nap, but Elaine told him it was because I take one almost every day.

The ironic thing is that if I'm not under stress, I feel worse. I lay around all day and feel tired with out any reason to it. Then I get nervous. I have that constant nagging feeling I'm forgetting to do something.

At least with my schooling I know I'm getting something done, but lately the nagging feeling is worse. I'm glad Elaine is preaching this week!

She put a poll on our new a/g ministers network asking when we take our days off. So far two have voted for Friday, but she says my vote doesn't count since I'm stuck at home with the kids. "Well, I'm not doing work," I say.
"But you're more frustrated at the end of the day than before," she reminds me.

True but what am I to do? I don't have another day. Besides, the kind of things I'd really like to do, she wouldn't much want to be with me. I'd love to spend the day with Steve and Roderick in Saginaw or go off to a monastery for a retreat. I'd feel mean leaving Elaine stuck at home with the kids.

Oh, well, Elaine says I'll be cute bald.