Loneliness

I lay awake with a sense of malaise. Perhaps it is the feeling that there is much I have left undone, and battles left unfought. Perhaps it is the unknowing, will I pass or will I fail? Will I prevail or fall? I am uncomfortable with who I am.  In any case the result is the same, loneliness borne of desolation.

Saturday night was such a night. I felt I just needed my wife to hold me. Her touch and embrace ironically converted my loneliness to solitude.

Monday, I again felt the sting of loneliness.  This time it resolved in solidarity with other solitary people around the world.  I found myself praying and resting in God.

From the center

I began to pray a centering prayer in the solitude of my basement office, literally warmed by candlelight.  I could see out the small window, near the ceiling, the brooding gray sky, snow flakes falling and wind a howl. There is God, hidden behind the cloud of unknowing. I hurl my love at the cloud, focusing all my love on the otherness that is the Divine Mystery.

My meditation turns to Haiti, and the thousands and millions of solitary souls hurting there. Faintly, carried on the breeze of the Spirit a song wafts up from my heart. It grows in strength and I begin to sing, “Ubi Caritas…” Live in charity, God will dwell with you. I play and sing for a time with my guitar and then I take my prayer walking around the sanctuary.

Our church is in the middle of our annual missions convention and hung on the walls are posters of various mission fields. As I pass by the images on the poster for Latin America and the Caribbean, I place my hand to the cheek of a woman who could very well be from Haiti. Love wells up wells up within me as I realize again the reality of her personhood. She is unique, not simply an image on the periphery of my life, but a real child of God, uniquely and fully loved by God.

Strange Dream of Nouwen

In his Genesee Diary, Henri Nouwen records a dream about Thomas Merton that he found significant.  I had a dream last night that is perhaps insignificant, about Henri Nouwen.

It seems we (fellow students and I) were at a campground for one of our yearly residencies for our Masters program. Henri was our teacher. The dream opens in the cafeteria where I was having a conversation over lunch with my former youth pastor, Nancy.  She has her PhD and has been teaching at the university level.  She apparently was teaching for Spring Arbor, as she was at our residency.    She was challenging me about the rigor of our program. It seemed that my thoughts in our discussion were unenlightened because I hadn't been around academia at one of the top schools. She seemed to think I was more cut out for Yale and was disappointed that I was in this program.  I defended my decision telling the story about how and why I came to the Masters in Spiritual Formation and Leadership.  I touted some lofty goal that SAU had for becoming a top tier regional center for learning.  She just gave me this quizzical look.

God tastes like espresso!

Recently I was on a retreat and Fr. Bernie, who was leading it, challenged us to imagine what God tastes like.  I was surprised to find that God tastes like espresso.  I am still thinking through the implications of this. 

The flavor profile I look for in a shot of espresso is one that rumbles and grabs my tongue. It has a boldness and a clean finish with a fine aftertaste.  It seems I want that particular profile because it reminds me of how I experience God.  I find I look for similar qualities in music, jazz and blues that digs in with visceral emotion, art deco portraiture that is heroic and lush, Greek food... the list goes on.

What word can I use to describe this experience?  Dare I say it?

The Spirituality of Coffee

As proof that there are other people crazy about God and espresso, I submit for your consideration Billy Kangas. He has created a liturgy for making a cappuccino that I can't wait to use in practice! What an awesome way to find God in everyday life.

New Domain Name

The Lord, The Blues and the Art of Being Smooth is now Harar Quixotic! Update your bookmarks to www.hararquixotic.com.

Resting

As I was reflecting on the structures and systems of my church, and where I could begin implementing strategy, I leaned back in my chair and heaved a sigh. Mindy Caliguire caught my emotion and stooped to talk to me. I explained that I served a small church that had no real systems in place with which to contend. I went on to relate how we’ve tried implementing classes and other creative forums to use for spiritual formation but have seen few people come out to them. I know it means continuing to talk about vision, but, I told her, I have been preaching this stuff for six years now. When will it take hold?

I could hear in her response that as she was listening to me, she was also listening to the Spirit. With prophetic force she commanded me to, “Rest.” Then she exempted me from the rest of the discussion about strategy!

This isn’t the first time recently that God has been speaking to me of rest. I spent five days in silent retreat at St. Gregory’s Abby in October. While there I had a powerful emotional response to Psalm 6:2. “Give me strength, I am completely exhausted.” I was surprised then because I didn’t realize that I was exhausted, yet I sobbed in sympathy to this word.

I find this ironic, and am struggling to understand what God is saying to me. Often I consider myself lazy! Why would I need to rest? I find myself tired often and I do sleep and nap, whenever I get the chance!

I get my class work done, and Sunday’s preparations never fail to come together by God’s grace. There is certainly a lot to do, and our finances are so tight I can’t even think about them, leaving them in the hands of God, my wife, and the back of my mind. Life is stressful to be sure, and my body doesn’t handle the stress well. Yet, is that an excuse for merely getting by?

Inner Healing part 3

The following is from a guided meditation into inner healing.  It takes place in my imagination and goes where I am surprised.  I thought I would have to work on my feelings about the church in Faribault that I had to work on earlier, but see where Jesus took me...

I walk to the creek side and sit on the large stones that form its bank. My back is to my Grandparent’s farmhouse and barn. Jesus comes and sits with me. I feel his body, his arm against my shoulder. He laughs and I push him.

I tell him that I feel he has shown me something at the core of me that I feel like an annoyance to others. I tell him that the members of my cohort have affirmed that I am not, that it is a lie. They asked me where that idea came from. I don’t know. I ask Jesus to Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24).

Church and business

Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't by Jim Collins

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

The books, Good to Great, How The Mighty Fall and, Tribes offer the business world surprising and proven insight into how organizations work and succeed. There are a few concepts that have stuck out to me a significant. How can these concepts be applied to the spiritual formation of congregations?

Pulp reality

I pull into the gun club's snow covered parking lot, way in the back under a lone street lamp, a car is parked. The snow falls gently as I approach the car, she rolls down the window. Handing a brown envelop through the car window to a woman who has never met me and I have never met, seems an awfully clandestine way to deliver Ella's girl scout cookie money.