I can't sleep

Tonight I enter into the Paschal Mystery as I once again mourn the death of a dream, as the steampunk incarnation of Live Wired Coffeehouse which was to be at The Whistle Stop appears to be laid to rest.  Jesus Christ, draw me close to you in the fellowship of our sufferings and give me the strength to dream another dream.

Study cave proving successful

Called convention and District Council took me away from my studies and consumed my attention. Needless to say, coming back I felt the stress of the final paper in my masters studies hanging over me. Sunday night my family graciously helped me transform my basement church office into a study cave - cleaning it, assembling a new desk chair, arranging a number of candles and stocking the fridge with a case of redbull.

This has done me good. I have been making strides in the last couple days. I have nearly completed my literature review and have a good start on my challenge section. At this pace I am pretty comfortable, unfortunately graduation feels like just another distraction as we plan to leave for the Spring Arbor area tomorrow night.

A week in Lansing

I've spent much of this last week in Lansing. Last weekend was Called Convention, as usual I set up the reflection room. It was neat to see the teenagers worshiping with such zeal. The irony was not lost on me, that as I struggled with restlessness and searched for direction for my ministry, I was tasked with helping students discern their callings. It was helpful for me, too.  I had been in a funk, questioning my effectiveness as a minister.

The David Crowder song How He Loves wrecked me the first night. I was powerfully overcome by a sense of God's love. Lines like, "All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory," and "And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss/And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets..." destroyed my funk.

Sunday morning I went to an early service at All Saints Episcopal. I found the liturgy and eucharist as nourishing as ever.  Then I high-tailed it back to Sebewaing and managed to make it in time to hear Elaine deliver a killer sermon. It was the first Sunday I had been in church without suit or tie.  I felt relaxed.

Monday we took off for District Council.  We happened to have booked the same hotel that I had stayed in for called convention. I had no luck finding a decent espresso the first time we were there, but Mount Hope had a surprisingly good shot, so did Deckers and Gone Wired.

I greatly enjoyed conversations with friends and the services. God was affirming and it was wonderful.  As Elaine and I were leaving, a pastor of a large church with many daughter churches and author of many books, a guy with whom people are impressed, said he thought we were impressive!  I chortled and Elaine said, "whatever." I felt such consolation on the trip home.  God spoke to me through Dave's words.  It was like hearing God saying "You are my beloved son, in you am I well pleased."  Nice.

Habits of a Child's Heart

Habits of a Child's Heart: Raising Your Kids With the Spiritual Discipline by Valerie E. Hess

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
In Habits of a Child’s Heart, Valerie Hess and Marti Garlett present a very accessible retelling of Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline. They take each discipline that Foster covers in Celebration of Discipline one at a time.  They give an overview of the discipline, providing stories from their own experiences with the discipline.  Then they give the parent suggestions for practicing the discipline. The practices are very practical and often geared toward the challenges faced by parents.  The authors then give age specific suggestions as to how children could practice each discipline.  They offer three categories, young children (5-7), middle childhood (8-11) and adolescence (12-15).

Present in this outstanding work is the assumption that the disciplined life is accessible even to children.  The goal of the disciplines is not simply character development or building a Christian worldview. Rather it is building of experiences with God through God’s grace.  Experiences like these are the stuff of spiritual direction.  Fathers Barry and Connolly point out in their book, The Practice of Spiritual Direction, that with out such experiences there can be no direction.  The spiritual director is primarily concerned with the experiences the directee is having with the Spirit.  Parents have a great resource in the Habits of a Child’s Heart for offering places where children can experience grace moving on them.

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My Philosophy of Spiritual Formation

Definition
I define spiritual formation as the process of being formed by God into the very image of Christ as we are immersed in the streams of a wide orthodoxy, diving into intimacy with others and the Trinity. Or as Robert Mulholland succinctly expresses it, Spiritual formation is the “process of being conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others." To put it in terms more familiar to the church, spiritual formation describes how discipleship happens.

Jesus said he came to bring life and life to its full (John 10:10). Living in the kingdom of heaven means living that eternal kind of life now. There is within us the desire for the depths of relationship with Christ that make this full, abundant life possible.

Deep calls to deep
at the thunder of your cataracts;
all your waves and your billows
have gone over me. Psalm 42:7 (NRSV)

Romantic and Spiritual - a great retreat

This week Elaine and I went on a much needed retreat together. We dropped the kids off at Grandma Carmack's and made our way to Mendon Country Inn.  The first year we were married we spent a Christmas Eve there on our way to Elaine's family get together. Our heating core was plugged and half way there the little electric heater, plugged into the lighter, went out.  By the time we got there our feet were blocks of ice and the fireplace and Jacuzzi in our room was a welcome experience. We loved our stay and the South African innkeepers were charming.

A little over eight years latter we had no idea where we had stayed, and it took some searching to find them. We got into the same room we were in years ago. Come to find out St. Gregory's Abby is only about twenty miles away. We went over there for communion, and I had a chance to show Elaine where I have spent my time when on my retreats there. We had pittance and a chat with the monks after the prayer service.

The weather was rainy and cold. We spent most of our time indoors, though the first night the weather broke, and we walked down by a creek flowing into the St. Joseph river.  The bed and breakfast had a little island with a gazebo surrounded by the flowing brook.  It was lovely to be in creation.

When driving we had some conversations about our frustrations in ministry and what it would take to breakthrough. Elaine and I serve as a tension between my realization of powerlessness and hers of action. The great question we have to live into is - how do we create space for people both in and out of the church to grow in the Spirit.

The innkeepers, Cheryl and Gerard, were wonderful at creating a hospitable space. The last morning we chatted over breakfast for a couple hours. It was a wonderful encouragement.  Hospitality is a wonderful thing.

There was another gran sorprendido.  Across the street there is a small mexican restaurant.  I could smell the hot tortillas. We decided to go there for dinner rather than an upscale option.  We didn't have great expectations - expecting a dive, but what we found was the best authentic mexican food I have had in years. Salud is the name of the place, and it made us wish we were going to be there for another week to sample everything.

Solitude and Community

I value deep relationships. I desire to know and be known in the secret places. Nouwen insists that everyone needs a place that remains hidden and we are often too quick to reveal the inner workings of our lives. I find that difficult to understand. Transparency is a downright discipline for me, and I agree with Nouwen that that which is most intimate is the most universal. Yet, Nouwen also displays an intense desire for community like I do. Nouwen’s life and body of work demonstrates a relentless drive to integration. How then does he integrate the hidden solitary place with a robust community?

Structuring Solitude


I value depth of relationship so much! I long to enter into life giving soul-level conversation with people I meet. I have often felt it ironic that, for me, beginning a relationship is difficult. The shallow small talk causes me to stumble and gives me enough pause to avoid beginning a relationship.

Falling apart

My heart is raw again today.  Kip distributed an email from M— about the lease for our coffeehouse.  She talks about feeling taken advantage of.  Father John said, “I’m only half way through and I’m steaming.”  That is how I felt too. We didn’t ask for any of the generous things she felt were to her disadvantage.  She keeps backpedaling on her verbal agreements and yet seems upset that we need a lease.  She is upset that the process is taking so long when she stalled in getting us assurances that she was up to date on her financial obligations in the building. It is frustrating.  It feels like everything is falling apart.

I know the frustration of trying strategy after strategy and nothing bearing fruit.  That is how I felt on staff at Faribault.  That is how my church feels about the parade of pastors over their 75-year history.   When the coffeehouse seems tenuous, I suspect that if it fails, it may be the cause of my leaving. Defeated.

I am listening to Fee sing Everything Falls.  “When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together.  When everything falls apart, you’re the only hope for this heart.”  God is my hope still.  I am powerless to bear fruit.  And God, at times I feel angry with you for not producing fruit in me.  Then I wonder if in some way I am less connected to the vine than I ought to be. Perhaps it is just a matter of holding on?   

Feeling the love

Have you been there, where you don’t feel the emotions?  I think that is where we live most of our relationships. It’s not like I go through every moment of every day overcome with love for my wife, but I love her all the same. So the feeling is a consolation.  It is wonderful when it is there, but it doesn’t have to be for love to be a reality. 

The Great Commandment is Love the Lord your God with all…. And love your neighbor as yourself.  The love of self entails soul-care and psychology – delving into ourselves on the road of imperfection to wholeness.  The love of God implies theology and prayer and the love of neighbor service and ministry.  All three are bound up in our spirituality.  They all inform and change each other. Growth in one area will aid growth in another.

There is also an aspect of love that has been impressed on me since my silent retreat in October when I spent time experimenting with centering prayer.  Love can be exercised.  I felt something new in focusing my love on God. I felt like my love, my heart wasn’t big enough – that love would have to be exercised.  I have since noticed the same thing toward others: my wife, children, and neighbors. There is hope in the darkness when the sense of love is absent.  Like any atrophied muscle it can be exercised.  I think Nouwen offers essential ways to grow in love.  In Reaching Out, he talks about movement from illusion to prayer, loneliness to solitude, and hostility to hospitality.

Disciplines like prayer where I can meet with God and my subconscious and find healing, or solitude where I can shed my false isolation from loving community, build me up. They integrate into a whole life that effervesces with ministry.

Michael Ford talks about how ministry followed Nouwen.  He didn’t go off looking for ministry, but people were drawn to him. When immersed in ministry when he should have been resting, Nouwen claims:

Ministry happens.  I have done nothing here while on sabbatical to do ministry.   I didn’t come here to get people who mostly don’t go to church to join me in prayer and the Eucharist.  I just started to pray and invited one person to join me, and these others—neighbors and friends—simply came (198).

I long for that - for ministry to be the natural overflow of my integrated life.  I long to see God’s love spiraling out of control around me because of who God is in me. 

Healthcare reaction

My feelings today are a little raw.  The Health Care Reform bill made a big advancement yesterday and was signed into law today.  I am happy about that. If I had my way the politicians would have worked harder on a synthesis.  I think the democrats acted high handedly and the republicans were obstructionists. If both sides had approached with open minds and synthesized each others ideas, things would be much different in this country.

How very good and pleasant it is
when kindred live together in unity!
It is like the precious oil on the head,
running down upon the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
running down over the collar of his robes. Psalm 133

Today I am faced with the backlash. Those who don't feel that this bill represents them are up in arms.  I suspect, perhaps incorrectly, that much of this is from fear, and may blow over when the "armageddon" predicted by conservative pundits and lawmakers fails to happen.