“It is important to remember that these patterns or images organize both our experience of others and our experience of ourselves. Thus, the way we see ourselves in interaction with others is involved. Part of the change that must occur if an intimate relationship is to develop is a change of the self-image, at least in relationship with this intimate person. As I allow the other to be different from my expectations and thus more himself, so too, I allow myself to be different from my ‘ideal self’ and thus more transparent to him. When relationships are allowed to develop, more of oneself and of the other is revealed, and each becomes better able to influence and change the other’s personality patterns. Each takes on for the other a life and a personality that is independent of that other’s expectations, and in the process each takes on for himself a life and personality freed of at least some of the constraints of his own self image” (86).
This reminds me of an Anime I have been watching lately. In Shugo Chara, “All kids hold an egg in their soul, the egg of our hearts, our would be selves, yet unseen.” The plot is interesting as the kids wrestle to find their true selves and strip away the characters they have built to meet others expectations, or to simply cope. Their would be selves are tied up with their dreams and aspirations that so many let die as they grow up. There is a resistance in society and their own lives that crops up to keep this from happening.
In the Brother’s Karamazov, Katerina Ivanovna wonders why her relationship with Dmitri was facing resistance too. He had spent some three thousand rubles she had asked him to send to her sister in Moscow. Now he is ashamed and has sent Alyosha his brother to talk to her.
For Dmitri there must be that kind of change of self-image that will allow him to talk to talk with unashamed intimacy with his fiancé.
“He did speak about it, and it’s that more than anything that’s crushing him. He said he had lost his honour and that nothing matters now,” Alyosha answered warmly, feeling a rush of hope in his heart and believing that there really might be a way of escape and salvation for his brother. “But do you know about the money?” he added, and suddenly broke off.
“I’ve known of it a long time; I telegraphed to Moscow to inquire, and heard long ago that the money had not arrived. He hadn’t sent the money, but I said nothing. Last week I learnt that he was still in need of money. My only object in all this was that he should know to whom to turn, and who was his true friend. No, he won’t recognise that I am his truest friend; he won’t know me, and looks on me merely as a woman. I’ve been tormented all the week, trying to think how to prevent him from being ashamed to face me because he spent that three thousand. Let him feel ashamed of himself, let him be ashamed of other people’s knowing, but not of my knowing. He can tell God everything without shame. Why is it he still does not understand how much I am ready to bear for his sake? Why, why doesn’t he know me? How dare he not know me after all that has happened? I want to save him for ever. Let him forget me as his betrothed. And here he fears that he is dishonoured in my eyes. Why, he wasn’t afraid to be open with you, Alexey Fyodorovitch. How is it that I don’t deserve the same?”
The last words she uttered in tears. Tears gushed from her eyes.
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