Solitude and Community

I value deep relationships. I desire to know and be known in the secret places. Nouwen insists that everyone needs a place that remains hidden and we are often too quick to reveal the inner workings of our lives. I find that difficult to understand. Transparency is a downright discipline for me, and I agree with Nouwen that that which is most intimate is the most universal. Yet, Nouwen also displays an intense desire for community like I do. Nouwen’s life and body of work demonstrates a relentless drive to integration. How then does he integrate the hidden solitary place with a robust community?

Structuring Solitude


I value depth of relationship so much! I long to enter into life giving soul-level conversation with people I meet. I have often felt it ironic that, for me, beginning a relationship is difficult. The shallow small talk causes me to stumble and gives me enough pause to avoid beginning a relationship.

Falling apart

My heart is raw again today.  Kip distributed an email from M— about the lease for our coffeehouse.  She talks about feeling taken advantage of.  Father John said, “I’m only half way through and I’m steaming.”  That is how I felt too. We didn’t ask for any of the generous things she felt were to her disadvantage.  She keeps backpedaling on her verbal agreements and yet seems upset that we need a lease.  She is upset that the process is taking so long when she stalled in getting us assurances that she was up to date on her financial obligations in the building. It is frustrating.  It feels like everything is falling apart.

I know the frustration of trying strategy after strategy and nothing bearing fruit.  That is how I felt on staff at Faribault.  That is how my church feels about the parade of pastors over their 75-year history.   When the coffeehouse seems tenuous, I suspect that if it fails, it may be the cause of my leaving. Defeated.

I am listening to Fee sing Everything Falls.  “When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together.  When everything falls apart, you’re the only hope for this heart.”  God is my hope still.  I am powerless to bear fruit.  And God, at times I feel angry with you for not producing fruit in me.  Then I wonder if in some way I am less connected to the vine than I ought to be. Perhaps it is just a matter of holding on?   

Feeling the love

Have you been there, where you don’t feel the emotions?  I think that is where we live most of our relationships. It’s not like I go through every moment of every day overcome with love for my wife, but I love her all the same. So the feeling is a consolation.  It is wonderful when it is there, but it doesn’t have to be for love to be a reality. 

The Great Commandment is Love the Lord your God with all…. And love your neighbor as yourself.  The love of self entails soul-care and psychology – delving into ourselves on the road of imperfection to wholeness.  The love of God implies theology and prayer and the love of neighbor service and ministry.  All three are bound up in our spirituality.  They all inform and change each other. Growth in one area will aid growth in another.

There is also an aspect of love that has been impressed on me since my silent retreat in October when I spent time experimenting with centering prayer.  Love can be exercised.  I felt something new in focusing my love on God. I felt like my love, my heart wasn’t big enough – that love would have to be exercised.  I have since noticed the same thing toward others: my wife, children, and neighbors. There is hope in the darkness when the sense of love is absent.  Like any atrophied muscle it can be exercised.  I think Nouwen offers essential ways to grow in love.  In Reaching Out, he talks about movement from illusion to prayer, loneliness to solitude, and hostility to hospitality.

Disciplines like prayer where I can meet with God and my subconscious and find healing, or solitude where I can shed my false isolation from loving community, build me up. They integrate into a whole life that effervesces with ministry.

Michael Ford talks about how ministry followed Nouwen.  He didn’t go off looking for ministry, but people were drawn to him. When immersed in ministry when he should have been resting, Nouwen claims:

Ministry happens.  I have done nothing here while on sabbatical to do ministry.   I didn’t come here to get people who mostly don’t go to church to join me in prayer and the Eucharist.  I just started to pray and invited one person to join me, and these others—neighbors and friends—simply came (198).

I long for that - for ministry to be the natural overflow of my integrated life.  I long to see God’s love spiraling out of control around me because of who God is in me. 

Healthcare reaction

My feelings today are a little raw.  The Health Care Reform bill made a big advancement yesterday and was signed into law today.  I am happy about that. If I had my way the politicians would have worked harder on a synthesis.  I think the democrats acted high handedly and the republicans were obstructionists. If both sides had approached with open minds and synthesized each others ideas, things would be much different in this country.

How very good and pleasant it is
when kindred live together in unity!
It is like the precious oil on the head,
running down upon the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
running down over the collar of his robes. Psalm 133

Today I am faced with the backlash. Those who don't feel that this bill represents them are up in arms.  I suspect, perhaps incorrectly, that much of this is from fear, and may blow over when the "armageddon" predicted by conservative pundits and lawmakers fails to happen.

I guess I am still judgmental.

It strikes me today that I used to wonder how any one could be a Christian and a democrat.  Today I wonder how anyone could be a Christian and oppose health coverage for 32 million uninsured.  Lord, save me from my self-righteousness.


(Now I am afraid to allow comments on this post, given the rancor in the comments I have seen on Facebook. Will people honor that this is confessional or will they jump on the politics?  We shall see.)

The Trinity

Rublev's icon, The Trinity has been a favorite of mine for a few years. Just as I was beginning to hunger after the mystery revealed by icons, along comes Professor MoJo to introduce this icon with a meditation at our first residency.

What has stuck with me most is the attitude of adoration between the members of the Trinity.  I am reminded of the words of C.S. Lewis, "The words ‘God is love’ have no real meaning unless God contains at least two Persons. Love is something that one person has for another person. If God was a single person, then before the world was made, He was not love" (Mere Christianity, 174).  In this icon you can see the love of that God is, the love of the persons of the Trinity.

I also think about The Shack where Mack experiences the mutual adoration at the dinner table between Papa and Jesus.  This is beautiful stuff to me, and I am invited into the adoration by the curious property of icons, the reverse perspective.  The depth is flipped in on itself. The perspective puts me within the image, turning my head, and my soul inside out. To stare at it prayerfully means that I descend into my heart, where, as Simeon the New Theologian says, I encounter the Triune Mystery waiting for me.

Happy Making

I visited Father John today to touch base with him about what we are doing at the community lenten service on Wednesday.  He make me happy.  John is an original soul.   He has this way of weaving the psalms into his meditations.  I imagine it comes from praying the hours.

This year we are working our way to Jerusalem focusing on different geographical regions.  John and I get the Jordan river and the Mount of Transfiguration. John came up with the idea to have a dove fly from the Jordan river valley (at the baptismal font) to the mount of transfiguration (by the tabernacle).  This will be a "Creative Movement" or an interpretive dance with props.  I will play the dove with a puppet on a string. The movement will follow Psalm 91 along with Psalm 84.

I love the Psalms. I think that is part of what excites me about this week's service.  John gave me my first full liturgy of the hours to pray with.  It was the Benedictine Daily Prayer.  What a joy!

Jesus prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

The Russian pilgrim prayed this thousands of times a day walking his way across the steppes. It descended from his mind and lips to his heart, until he sensed his very heartbeat praying it over and over (Reaching Out, 102).

I have spent this last week with the prayer. It is not enough yet. I realized that I don’t pay much attention to my body. I am not like the runners who run to feel their breath and hear their beating heart. The breath prayer calls us to the now – to be aware of the present moment, what is going on in the body and the heart.

The monk instructs the pilgrim in the words of Simeon the New Theologian. “Sit down alone and in silence. Lower your head, shut your eyes, breathe out gently imagining yourself looking into your own heart” (102). To me this is the key. This is what separates the prayer of the heart from vain repetition. As I prayed, I felt myself circling the abyss of my heart, looking into it, but only for a moment descend. That moment was powerful, and Christ was present with his mercy, but I need more practice for the prayer to descend.

Like the pilgrim, I need to descend with the mind into the heart, as I cross the vast steppes on sojourn, all the while praying, Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

My theological education

My attitude toward academia has always been odd and somewhat counter productive to outward success. Nouwen talks about the competitive atmosphere at the seminaries he knew. People saw their theological training as mastery of the material for good grades and preparation for some future ministry. Those things have never motivated me, much to the chagrin of my academic advisors.

I learned best when I could integrate the material into my daily life, my spirituality. If I could make the connection, my mind soared with thoughts and ideas too lofty to put into a paper. When I couldn’t make the connection (like PE), I was frustrated and did poorly. Then, I also one or two correspondence courses where my lofty, creative thought wasn’t appreciated and I spent hours listening to Bing Crosby sing Don’t Fence Me In.

Also I was in active ministry throughout my undergrad. As much as I curse the stupidity of working full time at a church while studying, it did much to form the practical side of my philosophy of ministry. It also saved me from, what Nouwen warned, seeing theology a merely preparation for ministry. I saw the immediate connections and the frustrations of moving theory to praxis.

Ode to The Knowledge of the Holy

I like the significance Nouwen finds in the fact that “theologia” was first used in reference to prayer. I was first struck by the personal and practical power of theology when reading The Knowledge of the Holy by A. W. Tozer. As he explored attribute after attribute of the Divine Nature, I sensed the Presence of God all around me. I couldn’t get through a chapter with out weeping.

Theology for me has become synonymous with worship. I have little patience for any study of theology that doesn’t lead me to awe, worship and prayer. This means that my reading of theology must be Lectio Divina, spiritual reading into the reality of God. Often lately I have explored how the mystical encounters I have inform my theology. Nouwen encourages me to once again study theology with an eye to the reality of Christ.

The first time I read the Knowledge of the Holy, I thought, “How sad, with all the books out there that call to be read, I may never be able to return to this gem.” I have gone back to read it again, my ancient paperback falling apart. I think maybe this summer I’ll have to find another copy!

Writing

I look at Henri Nouwen's huge body of work and compulsion to write and I think "Now here is a writer. Perhaps I am not built to be a writer after all. After all I often feel a reluctance to write, and lack ideas."  Today I read these words from Henri, and am encouraged:

Writing, however, is often the source of great pain and anxiety. It is remarkable how hard it is for many students to sit down quietly and trust their own creativity. There seems to be a deep-seated resistance to writing. I have experienced this resistance myself over and over again. Even after many years of wnung, I experience real fear when I face the empty page. Why am I so afraid? Sometimes I have an imaginary reader in mind who is looking over my shoulder and rejecting every word I write down. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the countless books and articles that already have been written, and I cannot imagine that I have anything to say that has not already been said better by someone else. Sometimes, it seems that every sentence fails to express what I really want to say, and that written words simply cannot hold what goes on in my mind and heart. These fears not seldom paralyze me and make me delay or even abandon my writing plans.

And still every time I overcome these fears and trust not only my own unique way of being in the world, but also my ability to give words to it, I experience a deep spiritual satisfaction. I have been trying to understand the nature of this satisfaction. What I am gradually discovering is that in the writing I come in touch with the Spirit of God within me and experience how I am led to new places. 

Most students of theology think that writing means writing down ideas, insights, or visions. They are of the opinion that they first must have something to say before they can put it on paper. For them, writing is little more than recording preexistent thoughts. But with this approach: true writing is impossible. Writing is a process in which we discover what lives in us. The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write: To write is to embark on a journey of which we do not know the final destination. Thus writing requires a great act of trust. We have to say to ourselves: "I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write."

Nouwen encourages me to make a daily practice of writing - regardless as to whether I feel I have anything to say. I can simply make a start of it and see what comes from the hidden parts of me.

Oratory of the heart

Nouwen cites a quote by Brother Lawrence that was familiar to me. In fact I have oft quoted it.

It is not necessary for being with God to be always at church. We may make an oratory of our heart wherein to retire from time to time to converse with Him in meekness, humility, and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God, some more, some less. He knows what we can do. Let us begin then (Genesee Diary 174).

Last January we spent our residency at Malvern retreat center near Philadelphia that had these great rooms called oratories. They were a beautiful place to pray. When I first read this quote, the only reference I had for the word oratory was a speech. Reading it again, with the experience of the oratories at the retreat center, I felt my heart enlarge. There, inside my heart was a place where I could meet with God, all day.

I find that this kind of prayer is aided by a habit of prayer throughout the day. I use the Liturgy of the Hours to offer a rhythm to my day, at least on the good days. This week I have been experimenting with using the Jesus Prayer as a breath prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.” It feels like the space in my soul expands with each breath.

From Illusion to prayer

In his Genesee Diary, Henri Nouwen relates the story of a man who was a prisoner of war and was tortured.

“He was a very simple, down-to-earth man with little political or ideological sophistication. But no pressure was able to force him to any kind of confession. John Eudes explained this by pointing to the man’s sense of identity. No self-doubt, no insecurities, no false guilt feelings that could be exploited by his enemies” (181).

In Reaching Out, Nouwen talks about the illusion of immortality leading to sentimentality or violence. I can’t identify places in my life or the life of my community where this particular illusion comes in play. I identify with the kinds of illusions that the prisoner of war lacked. I struggle with illusions as to who I am, and where I fit. At my core I doubt God’s ability to use me, in spite of myself. I fall for the lies that my wounds and the enemy would tell me. This is delusion. My community struggles with illusions of scarcity, and of lack of worth.

It is comforting, Nouwen’s assertion, that prayer dispels delusion. He says that prayer encompasses the conscious and unconscious self. He comingles his psychology with his spirituality here. The wounds hidden in the unconscious self can be healed in prayer, the illusions dealt with.