Slipping passion

My first response is God is saying I'm a looser. Oh, he doesn't love me any less, and I'm his son and all that, but I'm a lovable looser that can't make in in life. That thought makes me sad. In some ways I guess I must like my spiral. I guess I see God looking over the edge of the tornado at me, with sad loving eyes.

Ah, but you pulled out Kellemen on me and I didn't notice! You had me explaining where I was "recruited into that identity." Well, now that means that this identity of mine must not really be what God is saying. It's a facet of the enemy's narrative for me not God's, right? The enemy likes me feeling like I cant wake up to life - that the passion is gone - that God and I are growing tired of our romance.

So if that identity isn't so why am I slipping? I used to feel this way like clockwork every three months and I'd need to get away. Stress gets to me. Lately it is more like two months and I'm over the edge. With extra stress from classes and even less time for sabbath experiences I think its all just catching up with me.

In reality it is like God is there in the spiral wanting to embrace me - longing for me - and I am struggling to get to him against the wind of the spiral. The image of God as divine lover is apparently very central to my relationship with him. As I was reading the chapter on Eros, I was screaming inside, Yes, Yes Yes! It is the passion I cherish in my relationship with God, that he desires me, that I desire him and through him desire my wife, my children, my gerbils, my community and creation!

I realized this as I was thinking about what we are talking about here and trying also to understand the feelings I had last night. I was already irritated (because a website wasn't cooperating with me) when I went to write my post in the discussion board. I opened it up and saw that some classmates had written about the sexuality thing that had caught my attention. I became severely angry as I read posts that expressed difficulty seeing sexuality and god in the same sentence. Why didn't they agree with the author?! Why weren't they taken by this as I was!? I wanted to snap at them "You need to go back and read Rolheiser!" Then I remembered that my post about the spirituality of sexuality last year was met with silence. Was no one comfortable with this? I reacted strongly against Webber too, for his condemnation of the mystics use of sexual imagery.

I must feel threatened, like people are saying my relationship with God as divine lover is invalid and inappropriate - as is my need for intimacy in community that goes beyond a handshake and amiability.