Here I am wrestling again with my fundamentalism.

Last week I was subbing for the high school algebra teacher. In a senior class I overheard two girls talking about how their boyfriends sleep with them at home. One girl told the other, "You shouldn't have to sneak around."

I dropped my head and tears welled up as I listened. It's happened in the past as well. I don't know that sexually active teens disturb me as much as parents who approve of it, to the point of letting their daughter's boyfriends spend the night regularly.

I wondered at my reaction. Why does it bother me so much? Some of my church members don't want to associate with Lutherans, "because all they do is smoke and drink." Am I any different in my view of holiness? And at any rate I can't expect holiness from those who don't know the grace of Christ.

Today I heard from NPR's News & Notes with Ed Gordon that teens will have sex, to think of anything else is ridiculous. Ed Gordon asked his roundtable if maybe the problem was that not enough people from home to the school have stressed abstinence. The roundtable disagreed wholeheartedly dismissing it as the wishful thinking of the father of an 11-year-old girl.

What was wrong with me as a teen? I didn't even kiss on the lips until I was engaged. Does this talk simply embarrass me and my backwards ways?

Lord, shake my fundamentals. Let all fall away except what is holy in your eyes.

Days of survival

I've been fighting a cold the last few days. I made it through service Sunday, but crashed from there. We were supposed to go to a church planting retreat yesterday and today but didn't feel up to it. Still I managed to get the mess of an office upstairs cleaned out, and started working on this Sunday's sermon as well as the lenten services I'm involved in.

I still feel in a fog, and like life and work is passing me by. I am about to get started into the proper of the season in my Liturgy of the Hours, but they have been difficult to find meaning in through the clouds. Coffee soothes my throat but I've had so much of it that I'm getting indigestion.

This whole idea of entering the wilderness with Chirst keeps coming back to me. In the wilderness those things that I look to for succor and support are distant. I go hungry and thirsty. My attempts to be soothed leave me with indigestion and my heart burning.

The hunger and desire I can see in the words I write are now as intangible and as hard to hang on to as the fog I'm in. Lord take me out of this land of fog and mixed metaphor. Lead me into the wilderness, but open my eyes to your presence even here.

[Listening to: Track 8 - Unknown Artist - Unknown Album (1/30/2005 9:09:53 AM) (05:20)]

Psalm 35

Of David.

PS 35:1 Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

PS 35:2 Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

PS 35:3 Brandish spear and javelinn
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

PS 35:4 May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

PS 35:5 May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

PS 35:6 may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

Lent and rhythm of prayer

I'm ashamed that it has been so long since I've posted here. That reflects a lack of commitment to a discipline of grace. What has God been doing in me that I have missed writing about?

I've started developing a rhythm of prayer using the liturgy of the hours. I found a used edition of Vol II. It starts at lent time, but I have been using the psalmody the past few days. At first, it was more an academic exercise than prayer, but as time goes on the psalms connected with the times of day have been a comfort and joy. Praying that the light would shine in the morning and that waking or sleeping God would watch over me at night. When I feel anxious the psalms have expressed my fears as well as my highest aspirations.

I went over to Ray Orth's house before I started. He helped me understand how to use the book, and excited me deeply with stories about how his own interactions with the psalms and liturgy affected his long ministry.

One of the anxieties I've struggle with since last night has been helped by this practice of prayer. Last night I was at a parishioner's house. She expressed concern that we were participating in the community Lenten services.

"All the years I have been in the Assemblies of God we have never celebrated lent."

I tried to explain to her that lent isn't wrong and that we would not be leaving the Assemblies of God because of the influence of the community churches (apparently a very real fear). The A/G church in Bay City left the assemblies a few years back but that was because of isolation and doctrinal issues. This is the exact opposite. By participating in the community we establish our distinctiveness. We need each other for discipleship. We can offer the main liners a sense of the imminence of God and the work of the Spirit. They offer us a sense of social justice, a love for the word, a connection to a rich history. We need each other, that doesn't mean we are reduced, rather we should hold our distinctiveness high, and strive for all orthodoxy. As Chesterton describes it-following all truths to their extremes at the same time, there by being balanced.

Ah sovereign Lord, grant me peace and strength. Help me deal with this underlying anxiety that the rest of the A/G wouldn't understand my mystical bent, or my desire to explore faith from every tradition, that I would be looked down upon on worse. You are my hearts desire and yearning, that is all. Protect me my father.