Inner-healing is tough work!

I created a list of the wounds that came to mind. They formed a chronological order tied to place and the church or school I was in at the time. After I finished I sighed heavily. The list spanned two pages. This was going to be difficult work.

Since I was sitting in an empty coffeehouse (some weeks from opening) I brewed myself some herbal tea, chamomile and hibiscus, to settle in with God.

The next hours were wrenching. I found I was able to get through only a couple hurts. The one that really got me surrounded the three years my family lived in Grand Rapids Minnesota pastoring the Assembly of God church there. The church chewed up and spit out my dad. He shielded us from all the things that happened, we never became bitter or angry about it, but tonight to my surprise I found there were a lot of pent up emotions about it. I must have perceived more than I realized at the time. Perhaps the night of fear and agony with stomach pain stemmed from being aware of it, or perhaps it was from the enemy. At any rate, God and I had a lot to go through tonight.

Breaking the power of the past

Tonight I asked God to examine me. “Search Me, know my heart and thoughts—see if there is any offensive way in me” Then I waited, listened and wrote down what came to mind. Then I prayed through each of them like this:

“Lord, I confess the sin of ___________. I ask you to forgive me for this sin, yielding to it, and the resulting pain that I have caused to others and myself. I renounce the sin of __________ and break its power over my life, the life of my descendants, through the power of the Cross of Jesus. I receive your freedom and grace God in the name of Jesus.“

One of the most meaningful aspects of this process was praying that the power of these sins be broken not only in my life but over my descendants. My desperation for freedom and forgiveness was heightened by the image of Ella and Foster struggling with my sinfulness. As I laid each item at the cross, I did so with authority and desperation, putting myself in Christ’s hands. The shame though, made me doubt my freedom.

As I rested with God and listened for him, I cried out, “Where is the spirit?!” At that moment my body shook. It was as if he was making his presence known. “OK Lord, you are here, what do you have to say?” I replied meekly. The words to Nothing But The Blood began to play in my head. I put the song on through my laptop and soaked in it for a while.

First, I was struck by the line, “Nothing can for sin atone, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” I was released from lingering thought that I had to earn my freedom, but working hard enough or even feeling hard enough.

The second thing that struck me was the ludicrous line, “How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.” I was walking around the room and had stopped in front of a mirror at the time. I was struck that Jesus made me white as snow… this face that I was looking at, the soul behind those eyes, white as snow! I started to laugh. It was ridiculous and wonderful. His blood, on that cross that give the power I prayed for to give me freedom, his blood has made me white as snow.

Now I feel grateful to the point of sorrow and hopefully expectant for the freedom that comes from his hand.

Inner healing

Healing Care, Healing Prayer: Helping the Broken Find Wholeness in Christ by Terry H. Wardle

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars


In Healing Care, Healing Prayer, Terry Wardle offers Christian caregivers the neglected key to emotional health: spiritual transformation. The wisdom of this book is astounding and perhaps unnoticed by many.

For transformation to occur, Wardle insists that the caregiver be transformed first. The caregiver’s attention to intimacy with God is foremost in his or her responsibility. This is a truth that has been central to my own spiritual development. I must grow in intimacy with God, because he is the source, the power behind all transformation, and because those I lead will become as I am.

From there Wardle goes on to set up a framework for understanding inner healing. His visual of an onion with layers moving from the skin of our life situation, through our dysfunctional behaviors, deeper to our emotional upheavals and lies we embrace and finally through those to the underlying wounds, gave me some practical steps for dealing with what I saw as a frightening process. Like Scazzero(Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ), Wardle calls us to face our strong emotions and wounds that we have hidden away in order to function. To my surprise, though I cannot identify any major trauma in my life, I found approaching the unfathomed water of my emotions daunting.

I resonated with Wardle’s use of scripture. I didn’t find him building arguments too many times by psychoanalyzing characters of the Bible, a practice that always strikes me a bit hollow (perhaps it is the approaching of the scripture through the lens of the helping discipline rather than finding the transforming power the stories have to offer in themselves). Rather what stuck out to me was the way Wardle took us to scripture for healing. He offers us the truth of scripture to combat the lies that bind us, but more impressive to me, he takes us to the psalms to find our voice to express our emotions in prayer. I love the psalms. I find myself weeping as I pray them, often. Indeed as I was resisting the work of entering into my emotions and having them out with God, I found I was staying away from the psalms as well, leaving me hollow, and searching for ways to deaden the pain I feared.

Over the past few weeks I have been seeing in many new ways the need for the healing Wardle talks about. I have found myself frustrated and overwhelmed. I found myself doubting that I had the strength to go through this myself let alone lead others through it. My experience has been twofold: I have faced resistance in entering into these waters for my inner healing and I have struggled watching a friend spiraling away.

Becky and her husband came to live with us a few months ago. We invited them for two reasons, one for them – so they would have a place to live, and one for us – so we would have another couple to share the journey of discipleship. Over time we realized both of these things were not working. They started spending their time – days and nights – at other people’s houses; obviously they didn’t need a place at our house. What was worse though, is that they no longer joined us for devotions or showed up a church. Becky went back to drugs, and had fits of anger. I am convinced that she is significantly demonized, and the wounds I am aware in her past are enough to break any heart. She left her husband and our house in the last couple weeks. As much as I have preached healing and deliverance the last few months, I am upset that things could fall apart in our own house so deeply. I am angry with those who have wounded her, and with Becky for her choices, and with God for not breaking through.

At the same time I recognize the pain in my own life. I see the dysfunction in my behavior: my relational fear and my seeking pain killers to avoid confrontation. I recognize lies that both Elaine and I have believed: that we are born to mediocrity, that we suck and are lazy. I recognize the emotional upheaval in my life, as I start to feel the despair and grief that lurks I back away from it, afraid of where the pain will take me. I have come to the place where I have asked God to reveal to me the wounds that have caused this. All the while this process has been difficult, I have resisted it at every step, and since my class work is bound up in this process, my grades have suffered as a result. All in all, Wardle has been right about each step. I hope he is right about the outcome as well.

The practicality of his model is a great strength in Wardle’s work. From giving the caregiver the well to draw from in intimacy with Christ in the beginning to leading the caregiver through the layers of pain to the root, he stands as a guide. My favorite part is when coming to dealing with the deep wounds. The wounded one explores the wound in the context of prayer and asks Jesus to reveal where he was in the scene when the wound happened. I want to go there.

Due to my resistance, I had to re-read the last few chapters to really comprehend what Wardle was getting at. The arguments make rational sense, but making the emotional connection to what he is saying has been surprisingly difficult.


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The Book Of The Dun Cow revisited

The Book of the Dun Cow by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars

I had to reread this book after Peter Scazzero made reference to it in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ. I love the rhythm of the Liturgy of the Hours as it is prayed in the monastic setting. The power of Chanticleer's Canonical Crows in the fight against evil was not something I saw the first time I read it. That was long before I began my journey with praying the psalms. The book took on a new and richer meaning for me this time around.


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relinquishment

Today didn't start off too well, except of course that it is our Anniversary! My beautiful wife of, now, eight years was an anchor to my soul through my trials and tribulations.

I arrived at the coffeehouse today to prepare for the Rotary Club coming over to see the place and have lunch and coffee. When I came in, Mary, the building's owner had rearranged all the furniture. She had all her stuff on the main floor and relegated mine to the stage. I felt betrayed after the last couple days of discussion with her had not prepared me for this, in fact she said she liked what we had done. I was angry and disappointed, a feeling that hung like sorrow in my throat all day - a day I was supposed to be celebrating!

My vastly romantic plans was to take Elaine to the Taize service in Saginaw. Well, it was out, and it was free, so Elaine agreed. One drawback to the evening was that we found no sitter. The kids held up admirably but still, not romantic. The service, however, was the cure I needed. God was gracious to me and extremely romantic. Wave after wave of his presence came over me. I couldn't help but tremble, then sheepishly look around to see if anyone had noticed my unseemly convusion. Elaine even asked me pointedly "What are you doing?!" What could I say? It wasn't I who was doing anything. It was like the Holy Spirit was tickling me. It was a great time with a great God, great friends, and the best wife ever.

Thanks God for all that, especially Elaine!

Sons of God

Sons of God by Rebecca Ellen Kurtz

My review

rating: 2 of 5 stars
This story has an imaginative premise and action and romance, what more could you ask for? How about a decent editor? I feel bad for Rebecca Ellen Kurtz. She was let down by her editor on her debut work. The numerous errors in spelling, grammar and formatting became distracting.

One also has to really work to suspend disbelief when imagining the characters. Kurtz struggles to give them their distinctive voices. Whether Norse, Celtic, or European, the voices come off sounding like an American attempting a Scottish accent. Even her ancient Middle Eastern Heroine sounds more like a 21st century American girl.

If you can manage to muscle through the distractions, Kurtz’s exploration of Nephalim lore in various ancient traditions is intriguing. The defects of this novel are easily attributed to the author still trying to find her voice. The shallow theology also betrays her rawness. Kurtz is a diamond still in the rough. She needs a good editor to tease out her best.

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Patheways to healing

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ by Peter Scazzero

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
Scazzero’s six healing pathways serve as a good summary of the way of contemplative spirituality that marks good spiritual formation. The value of his treatment isn’t in saying anything new but in providing a perspective on these practices through the lens of emotional health.

He picks up on elements of St. John of the Cross (the dark night of the soul), Ronald Rolheiser (the paschal mystery), and the rules of Ignatius and Benedict. He cast these ancient truths in language that is easy for a layperson. I can see using this book with someone new to the rich traditions of spiritual formation.

The path that has proved the most powerful to me over the last years is truly that of rhythm. The Divine Office and Sabbath have been anchors to me, and dear friends.

Recently I read over my rule of life again, a practice I ought to make part of my rule too (reading it over periodically), I was reminded of the practices that I find valuable and note the ones I have missed.

Right now I am exploring the healing path, Scazzero calls “Going back in order to go forward.” In a conversation with my mom I sensed the pain of hurts that go all the way back to her youth group. I could see how that pain would create the ongoing challenges she faces. I wonder how the pain I have felt as a wee lad is still influencing me. I am getting into the genogram, to see what I can see.




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The ways in which I suck

It is sad that so many Christians who are mature in age do not show maturity in emotion or Spirit. I have been in many a contentious church asking, “Where are the fruit of the Spirit?” Peter Scazzero attributes the lack of lasting change in people of faith to lack of growth in emotional maturity. I agree that it is impossible to be spiritually mature and emotionally immature. In deed is there even a difference? Are not emotions spiritual? Can one be emotionally mature with out being spiritually mature?

Of the ten symptoms of emotionally immature spirituality that Scazzero offers, the one I am feeling the most right now is standing in judgment of others' spiritual journeys. I was reflecting, this week, on the roll of worship in creating a healing atmosphere. I thought about how my congregation doesn’t really seem to get into worship. I was talking with the worship leader at Kalamazoo first about her roll; she described her passion that she and the others on the worship team are intimate with Jesus. She expressed the great truth that changed my life so many years ago, the worshipers will become like I am. It was at that moment I realized the truth. My worship sucks.

I began to search for the heart my problem with getting into worship and I think I found it in Scazzero’s symptom – judgmentalism. The times I freely enter into worship have been when I trust that those around me are also seeking the depth of Christ. When I worship with my classmates on our J-Term retreat, I know that we all have a passion for spiritual depth and I can enter in. Something inside me refuses to worship and instead stands in judgment of those around me. Perhaps it is insecurity as well. In either case I have some sort of lurking trust issue that is messing up my worship. God help me! I am working on a genogram of my family that is starting to shed some light on why I feel this way.

Scazzero offers contemplative spirituality coupled with emotional health as the “radical antidote” to spiritual immaturity. I was uncomfortably familiar with his litany of things that he tried hoping that it would be the breakthrough for his congregation; we need more community, more Bible study, more worship, more spiritual warfare etc… Still he saw little fruit. I know this frustration. For Scazzero the break through would come as he coupled emotional health with the contemplative life. Now I am left wondering, is this just something else to add to my litany of things I’ve tried or is it the key to bringing health to my body? It certainly sounds like a good place to begin in my quest to better my worship – and my heart is with out a doubt the place to start the change.

Power Healing by John Wimber

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
In, Power Healing, John Wimber seeks to place healing in the biblical and ongoing ministry of the church and offer a practical model for this ministry.

“By 1977 I believed God could heal the sick today. There were many factors that contributed to the evolution of my thinking and attitude about divine healing: new knowledge gained from Scripture study and prayer; my experience… and the Holy Spirit’s Continual prodding” (44).

Reflections on healing prayer

Over the last few weeks I have prayed for over 30 healings. So far we haven’t seen any results. The process of experimentation has done much in my soul. I feel frustrated that we haven’t seen a break through yet.

Elaine was feeling the pain of a sore throat coming on last night. Half joking she chided, “Why can’t you heal anybody?!”

“I don’t know!” I cried. Why doesn’t God answer? Didn’t he promise to? I stand even more amazed that John Wimber held out for so many months making healing ministry part of his services. I feel like I could throw in the towel. It takes such an investment and risk to make healing prayer a centerpiece of ministry when there are no results to point to.

One Sunday Morning I was praying for Don, he has hurt his hip and leg and has to use a walker until therapy pays off. We were praying fervently for him. I was standing over his shoulder as he sat at the end of a pew. I on hand his hand that was on his knee and my other hand, holding the bottle of anointing oil, was on his head. As we were winding up our prayer, Elaine saw a black circle roll across the floor and then Don reached up wiping something from his nose. The anointing oil was running down his head. Psalm 133:2 says:

“It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.”

Yeah, it was just like that. And even after the excess of anointing he wasn’t healed! If there was ever a time for someone to be healed, this was it! I apologized profusely and we have had a great laugh about it since.

The frustration has worked like a prayer of examen. I am on the search for blocks in my life that keep God from using me.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24 NIV).

Even with my renewed emphasis lately on healing ministry, I feel like I’m only going half way. I am still a little hesitant to spend a lot of time, perhaps the time it takes, to pray over a person. I still feel hesitant about taking authority, and I still have no experience with deliverance ministry, though there are some people I know who could sure use it!

All said, I have just started on this journey of healing exploration. I will not throw in the towel, God, if you will just tell me where to go from here. I long to see you move and people are so broken. I know you love them and want to move. I want to see what your ministry looks like, we’ve both

Acting out the story

Mark 9:14-29

I am captured by Jesus’ compassion. Even as he chides the people for lacking “God-sense” (as The Message puts it), his deep compassion shows through. “How long will I be with you? How long before you get it?” I feel his distress as I enter in, acting each part in my mind.

“He asked the boy's father, ‘How long has this been going on?’

‘Ever since he was a little boy. Many times it pitches him into fire or the river to do away with him. If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!’

“Jesus said, ‘If? There are no “ifs” among believers. Anything can happen.’”

Can you feel the gentle goading of Jesus? The desperation of the father?

“No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, ‘Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!’”

Tears come to my eyes and my voice shakes as I read for the part of the father. It touches the place in my soul that has been longing to see God show up in our services. “I beg for you to move. If my unbelief is standing in the way, help me!”

In the same way I could play the part of any of the disciples, “Why couldn’t we do it?” Why is it that when I pray for people on Sunday morning I have yet to see the miraculous?

“This kind only comes out by prayer.” Don’t I pray enough? Is my prayer life lacking? O God search me and know me. Help me to pray more effectively, give me your heart and eyes to see and love the hurting people around.