Aloneness

In Joseph Conrad’s story The Secret Sharer, a new ship captain tells how he took on board and concealed a murderer. The man, a mate on another ship, had swum to escape, and the captain found him, naked, clinging to the rope ladder. The captain was so affected by the picture of this man dressed in his pajamas that he came to think of him as his double. He identified so closely with him, that he couldn’t give him up and became distracted by concealing him until he could put him ashore. When he finally parted with this false self, he felt his focus return.

Already the ship was drawing ahead. And I was alone with her. Nothing! no one in the world should stand now between us, throwing a shadow on the way of silent knowledge and mute affection, the perfect communion of a seaman with his first command.

These words forged a connection in my mind with what Nouwen has been saying to me about solitude. We live a disjointed life, trying to protect our false self. All the while we are called to solitude. My friend Jerrell said, “Recently, I’ve come to discover that solitude isn’t always a byproduct of isolation, but aloneness.” We come face to face with who we are apart from the perceptions of others and the “scaffolding” we erect to prop up our false selves in the midst of solitude. When we find ourselves truly alone, we can, with the captain, enjoy perfect communion.