Increasingly on my spiritual journey I have met Jesus as divine lover. Strangely I enjoy imagining his masculinity. It has never struck me as strange, but Sarah refered to God with a feminine pronoun in a post, which got me thinking. With all the romance my relationship with God enjoys, why I don’t also see God as feminine. Dare I say I feel feminine around him. During my times of prayer I sense his presence mastering me, ravishing me. He makes me feel pretty and vulnerable too.
My heart has led me back to my lover through out the day more often as I have grown close to him, but there are times a plenty when the business of my day has crowded out thoughts of love and left me with empty loneliness. I am beginning to resonate with Martin Luther when he said, “I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer” (Foster 34). I have returned this week to the joy of praying the hours. I have found times of meditation stretching and coming back to me. I spontaneously start a breath prayer, “Jesus!”
The repetition of the Liturgy of the Hours, the rosary and breath prayers have brought a rhythm to life and spirit. The disadvantage is the repetition can become rote and I can disengage my attention. I also have to deal with the funk when the rhythm breaks down.
Since experiencing the spontaneity of breath prayer erupting in me, I have tried to make it a discipline. It is overwhelming. I breath in the breath of God. I imagine him filling my inner being, as the breath escapes I whisper breath on me. The power of his spirit filling me is too much for me to handle. This kind of prayer will take much practice to be able to withstand its power for longer times. With greater endurance a breath prayer could powerfully bring me back to attention on God throughout the day.
I was surprised when I learned that most Catholics who pray the rosary do it with a particular intention. I guess my intention is to know God. The intention is what you want God to do, your greatest desire. Praying the rosary like centering prayer is how I express my desire for God.
You know, I don't often use the feminine though I prefer it? It is kinda like I'm still trying it on. Funny huh?
ReplyDeleteSome more thoughts on gender:
ReplyDeleteAs I mentioned, I like to see God as romancer of my soul. Does that make me or Sarah spiritually homosexual? I tried on seeing God as my woman, but that is perhaps just the problem. In our culture, women are still seen as possessions, subordinate, objects. I can't say that of God, I hope I can say that of myself.
Perhaps Sarah sees God's provision, nurture and tender loving care. Perhaps she sees God as mother, lovingly leaning on her breast as a weaned child (Ps. 131:2). El Shaddai - God the many breasted.